Wednesday, 23 June 2010

i don't know where my utter misery of last night came from. it appeared from nowhere and stabbed me hard and repeatedly in the gut. an hour earlier, i'd been laughing and joking with my husband. then i was sitting at the computer screen, pretending the tears weren't free-flowing down my cheeks. i just seemed to go straight from one to the other.

reasons? i don't know, and i don't like not knowing. there are many possibilities - the rapid approach of the 25th of the month, signifying seven months since our world was pulled to pieces. the fact that although i usually ovulate by the 17th day of my cycle, i'm currently on day 26 and i may finally have ovulated only yesterday, meaning that this cycle will be the longest i've ever had (at least while i've been tracking cycles, but honestly, i suspect *ever*). it may be that for various reasons we're very unlikely to be pregnant this month. it may even be that i'm hoping that the fact that i think this isn't the month means that somehow it is, even though that would be extremely unlikely, but that i'm also aware that i'm setting myself up for a fall.

it may even be that i had an excellent weekend - i had an amazing night out with friends on friday; one girl asked where i got my energy from because every time she looked at the dance floor i was up there giving it everything. i saw my parents on saturday and my grandparents and others on sunday. it may even be that i had an excellent weekend and that part of my brain feels that i shouldn't be able to enjoy myself, when my baby died less than seven months ago.

i hope it's not that.

but none of the possibilities seem right. i feel that there should be some big reason, some real cause of my breakdown.

but sometimes, maybe there isn't. sometimes maybe there doesn't have to be a reason. sometimes maybe i'll just miss my baby, and cry.

thank you, thank you, thank you all so much for thinking of me and sending hugs and silent support. it helped to know that people were out there thinking of me.


Illanare said...

Oh my dear, I am so sorry. Seven months is both no time at all and an eternity - and grief I'm finding has no timescale. What it does have is rubber soles, all the better for creeping up behind you and screaming BOO! when you least expect it.

Thinking of you and sending you virtual hugs and nice cups of tea on a daily basis.

Thank you for the lovely comments on my blog, your support means so much.

lis said...

its just such a jagged road, this grief. and just when we think we are getting ahead, something comes along and knocks us on our asses.
im so sorry and im thinking of you