Saturday, 26 June 2010

i emailed my pregnant friend J yesterday.

and she wrote back. and because i asked, and because her baby is due in only three weeks and it's what her brain is full of, she told me what's going on. how they have finally been preparing for the baby. she has been more realistic than some.

more realistic about the possibility of not taking home a living child than i was.

before.

and it was nice to hear. and she understands, i don't know how but she understands, so it doesn't hurt from her.

well, only a little sting. easy to ignore when this may well be her only chance of mothering a living baby.

(i nearly said 'motherhood'. like her chance would be over if (please god forbid) this baby died. goddammit, i know better than that. she's 37 weeks pregnant. she's already a mother.)

anyway. i'd been thinking of asking her if she would be ok with me coming to visit her in the hospital once the baby is born. and it would need to be 'ask'. i haven't been able to see her in person since february. because it's too hard to see her pregnant when i'm supposed to be going through it with her. even way before we were pregnant she always said she wanted us to go through it together. she wanted me to compare notes with.

so i didn't want to assume she would want me there. she might need bracing time too. it's only fair.

but now i found out she's booked into a different hospital.

yep. the hospital i was booked into.

the one where i had that scan.

a little part of me thinks i should try. that it would be good to have a positive association, of my friend's living (pleasegod) baby. to think about if i ever go back there, to balance out the terror and the fear.

but i don't know if i could do it. and the last thing i would want to risk doing is bring my own grief to my best friend's birth.

she doesn't need that. it feels like a poor way to repay her for being there for me in any way she could.

i've said it before; i'll say it again.

this just isn't fair.

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