Sunday, 13 June 2010

I was thinking, a day or two back, about what the important part of being a mother is to me.

I was thinking about what might be necessary, to be able to walk that road of living children.

And what I realised is that I want to experience pregnancy.

I want to experience carrying a child. I want to experience feeling it move inside me. I want to feel it kick. I want to look down and see a proper belly, not just the slight swelling that had more to do with too much cake and biscuits than an actual baby.

I want to actually hear a heartbeat.

Genetics? Not so important. I even started wondering if one of my sisters would donate eggs, if it came to that. I'd like it to be D's baby, but genetically mine? Nice, but not essential.

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I realise that I might not get a choice in all this.

I realise that - like someone who really wants to experience natural childbirth but ends up with an emergency caesarean - the important thing is that you end up with a living child. If you get the prize, it doesn't really matter how.

So I realise that wanting this experience doesn't mean I will get it.

But I'm willing to fight for it.

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I don't want my last experience, or memory, of pregnancy to be the knowledge that I had been walking round unaware with a four-weeks-dead baby inside me.

2 comments:

Catherine W said...

I would also like to experience pregnancy and I would really like an experience that doesn't end so abruptly and with so many complications. But, yes, it is the prize that matters, nothing else does in comparison. Absolutely nothing.

B said...

it's a hard lesson. one i wish noone ever had to learn.
xx