i never know which phrase to use.
'if i'm pregnant'
'when i'm pregnant'
'if' sound nebulous. like i don't really believe it's going to happen. ifs and buts and maybes.
it sounds like i don't believe it would be real. like i would be pregnant with a ghost. not a real child, but a possibility. a ghost-child, a wraith.
(and maybe that's because that's what i believe, these days.)
and it doesn't sound like a real possibility. and i want there to be a real possibility.
so, i think, i should say when! think positive. talk like it's going to happen and it'll happen. believe it, and maybe it'll come true.
(these days there's always a but.)
i can't say 'when'. not without qualifying it with 'if'. or 'maybe'. or 'hopefully'.
when sounds too confident. too positive. too knowing. it sounds like i'm tempting fate. it sounds full of hubris.
and i can't give fate a toe-hold. i can't. i can't stick my head above the parapet, letting fate know that i'm here. giving it something to aim at.
so i stick with 'if or when'.
if you're trying to conceive, what do you say?