Saturday, 19 June 2010

if vs when

i never know which phrase to use.

'if i'm pregnant'

or

'when i'm pregnant'

'if' sound nebulous. like i don't really believe it's going to happen. ifs and buts and maybes.

it sounds like i don't believe it would be real. like i would be pregnant with a ghost. not a real child, but a possibility. a ghost-child, a wraith.

(and maybe that's because that's what i believe, these days.)

and it doesn't sound like a real possibility. and i want there to be a real possibility.

so, i think, i should say when! think positive. talk like it's going to happen and it'll happen. believe it, and maybe it'll come true.

---

but.

(these days there's always a but.)

---

i can't say 'when'. not without qualifying it with 'if'. or 'maybe'. or 'hopefully'.

when sounds too confident. too positive. too knowing. it sounds like i'm tempting fate. it sounds full of hubris.

and i can't give fate a toe-hold. i can't. i can't stick my head above the parapet, letting fate know that i'm here. giving it something to aim at.

so i stick with 'if or when'.

---

if you're trying to conceive, what do you say?

3 comments:

Catherine W said...

I always use 'if I ever fall pregnant again . . ' Doesn't sound very positive does it?!
But 'when' just sounds too much like asking the fates to come and poke me in the eye.
Still wish I had the confidence to say 'when' instead of 'if' though.

mare said...

I was using when, but just lately started saying if, sometimes coupled with when, but sometimes not, depending on my mood.

It SUCKS feeling like you can't say when. Or that you shouldn't.

B said...

i think i can't say when, because it sounds like it's asking fate to come and kick me. hard.

but i can't say if. because i'm scared that fate will hear how uncertain i sound, shrug, and say 'well, if you don't really want it that bad......'

either way, fate uses my own words to crush me.

it. sucks.

as ever.