the longest day was a few days ago.
right now it gets bright very early. i wake up around 5am, take my temperature, and go back to sleep until my alarm goes off.
it's harder getting back to sleep when it's already sunny outside.
on thursday morning, i dreamed in that gap.
not a nice dream.
i hope not a prophetic dream.
for reasons that will become clear.
i dreamed i was pregnant.
i was at a hospital. no hospital i know.
i was in a lab, with D. it was crowded with equipment. brightly lit. off to one side, a woman was giving me an ultrasound scan. the baby was moving around. it was twelve weeks. but it had no heartbeat.
she finished the scan. she left D alone with me and a Doppler. (i don't even really know what one looks like, but i knew what it was. i knew what we needed to do.)
she told us to find the heartbeat, and left us alone.
and we tried.
we were calm, kind of rational. not upset. just curious. where was the heartbeat. wherewherewhere.
we knew it wasn't there to be found.
i don't know what it meant.
i've never dreamed of being pregnant.
i never dreamed while pregnant.
(i probably do. i probably did. i just don't remember.)
but this one stayed with me.
right now i don't believe it will ever happen.
i don't believe i'll ever be pregnant again.
i don't believe we'll ever have children. biologically ours or not.
i just don't see how it could happen.
but i still can't imagine ever giving up.
i can only imagine pulling myself apart for ever, trying to find that elusive gap where my baby should be.
i think i miscalculated the days.
212 days, right?
how is it so long?
my little snowflake feels very far away.