Friday, 25 June 2010

the longest day was a few days ago.

right now it gets bright very early. i wake up around 5am, take my temperature, and go back to sleep until my alarm goes off.

it's harder getting back to sleep when it's already sunny outside.

---

on thursday morning, i dreamed in that gap.

not a nice dream.

i hope not a prophetic dream.

for reasons that will become clear.

---

i dreamed i was pregnant.

12 weeks.

i was at a hospital. no hospital i know.

i was in a lab, with D. it was crowded with equipment. brightly lit. off to one side, a woman was giving me an ultrasound scan. the baby was moving around. it was twelve weeks. but it had no heartbeat.

she finished the scan. she left D alone with me and a Doppler. (i don't even really know what one looks like, but i knew what it was. i knew what we needed to do.)

she told us to find the heartbeat, and left us alone.

and we tried.

we were calm, kind of rational. not upset. just curious. where was the heartbeat. wherewherewhere.

we knew it wasn't there to be found.

i don't know what it meant.

---

i've never dreamed of being pregnant.

i never dreamed while pregnant.

(i probably do. i probably did. i just don't remember.)

but this one stayed with me.

---

right now i don't believe it will ever happen.

i don't believe i'll ever be pregnant again.

i don't believe we'll ever have children. biologically ours or not.

i just don't see how it could happen.

but i still can't imagine ever giving up.

i can only imagine pulling myself apart for ever, trying to find that elusive gap where my baby should be.

---

seven months.

i think i miscalculated the days.

November:5
December:31
January:31
February:28
March:31
April:30
May:31
June:25

212 days, right?

how is it so long?

my little snowflake feels very far away.

6 comments:

Noelle said...

The time after you miscarry, when you are trying to get pregnant again, is SO hard and it seems so long. I cried every month that I didn't get pregnant and it hurt so badly. You will get there and it will get easier. You are in the trenches right now, and that is the worst place to be. I'm sorry.

Illanare said...

What Noelle said. Exactly what Noelle said.

Thinking of you and sending many hugs.

Anonymous said...

Those early morning dreams are always the most intense.Not sure if you're still taking antidepressants? I'm on a low dose of Citalopram and i have some weird dreams! Thinking good thoughts for you Beth x

Helen B Cooper said...

What Noelle said too xxxxxx

And loads and loads of hugs :-)

Catherine W said...

I can't say it better than Noelle has. I'm sorry about the awful dream.

Love C xo

B said...

thank you all.
xxx