Wednesday, 16 June 2010

magpies and omens

the magpie thing?

i think i've worked it out so i can stop going (quite as) crazy.

see, even if-or-when (... i should blog about the if-or-when thing at some point too) i get pregnant, i'm still going to be grieving. i'm still going to miss this baby. if anything, it might be even harder if-or-when. having to grieve and be pregnant and fight the conflicting urges to go yay-i'm-pregnant and the bigger urge to go 'omgi'mpregnantit'sgoingtodiewhatthehellhaveidone' and run around in circles until my brain implodes.

(i used to be an optimist. that tendency has been crushed almost entirely.)

so thinking that a single magpie means i'm not pregnant is just.not.true.

in reality, even if-or-when i get pregnant, i won't be joyful.

and i'm already filled with sorrow. maybe not every day - but it's always there. even now.

so a single magpie might just be reflecting what's already in my head.

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of course, the other day i saw three crows.

(three-for-a-girl)

there's nothing that can protect my brain from the longing that that prophecy comes true.

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i wrote this post at the weekend. now it's monday night. (more use of scheduling posts. honestly you'd all be overwhelmed otherwise.)

tonight, on my way to the supermarket, there were four magpies. two on one side of the road, two on the other.

one then took off from the right hand side of the road and aimed for the ones on the left. but then veered off. i drove past before i could see where it ended up.

so, what sign do you think that might be, my lovelies?

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Of course, in Terry Pratchett's version (see version B here) three is a funeral and four a birth.

i like the four better than three. the juxtaposition terrifies me.

1 comment:

Catherine W said...

Not a fan of that juxtaposition of Mr Pratchett's either.

I saw two magpies sitting sunning themselves by the M3 junction today as I drove home from work and thought of you. x