Monday, 14 June 2010

strange to think...

Our best (male) friend, J, and his girlfriend had a baby in September last year. Our baby was due in May. It was strange to think that those children would be in the same school year. Weird to think that when that baby was born, I was only six or seven weeks pregnant. That even though their baby would have been learning and developing for eight months, ours would be in the same school year. Learning the same things.

It was even weirder to think that my best (female) friend, also with a J name, was due in July. That her baby would be even younger than mine, but would still be learning the same things. Would have to keep up with kids who had almost a year's head start on him or her.

Female-J's baby is now due in less than a month.

Male-J's baby will be ten months old at that point.

Meanwhile, I'm still decidedly Not Pregnant. Even if this cycle is The One, my due date would be around the beginning of March. Right in the middle of the age ranges of that school year. Not one of the oldest ones, as I optimistically told myself when we started TTC for the second time. Knowing that it wouldn't take as long this time. I'd figured out when to optimally time sex. And everyone knows it's really easy to get pregnant immediately after a miscarriage!!!!!

Insert hollow laughter here.

If I don't get pregnant in the next six months (and my optimism about that is just about exhausted) my child will be two full school years behind those two.

That is very, very hard to accept.

---

Female-J's facebook is really hard to take at the minute. Full of leaving work and presents and happiness. (Well, not even really full. She's hardly talked about being pregnant there, and I don't think it's just because of me.) I don't begrudge her that at all. If it had to be one of us I'm glad it was me. (Seriously. We just have to have sex. They had to self-fund IVF.)

But it throws the difference between us into sharp relief.

Her. Pregnant. Full-bellied and happy. Surrounded by people and generous presents. Finally believing that her pregnancy will end in a beautiful living baby. And the odds are good that it will.

Me. Empty-bellied. Withdrawn. Needing antidepressants and counselling to function. And with no living baby in sight.

We were supposed to do this together.

I miss her so badly.

This isn't how it was supposed to be.

4 comments:

Maddie said...

Two of my friends had babies last May (twins) and June and we talked about them being friends with our baby. They've just had first birthdays for them and they're beginning to walk.

It seems like a parrallel universe.

Hugs. xx

B said...

it's not fair maddie. i wish Matilda was there with you.
hugs xx

Illanare said...

Hugs to both of you, B and Maddie.

This is all so heart-stoppingly hard.

Angela said...

I was pregnant at the same time as 3 friends. One baby was born in March, two in April. I was so excited for Charlotte's birth. Now I feel left behind. I'm sorry. I know it's hard.