Thursday, 17 June 2010

what i wish i could say

i've heard twice now from different people that you've been asking after me. telling them how concerned you are about me. telling them how you hope i'm ok.

i call bullshit.

it's been six and a half months. 27 weeks. 195 days. (jesus, really? nearly 200 days?)

-you have my email address.
-you have my mobile number.
-you have my postal address.

one text message does not even begin to cut it.

you claim to believe that i wanted to be left alone.

seriously, you claim to believe that i wanted to be left alone for six whole months? while knowing all along that i've met up with other people? while knowing i've been back at work?

i don't believe you.

it's ok, really, if you didn't want to see me. if you didn't want my shitty luck to somehow infect your pregnancy. i don't blame you for that. i really do understand. but again.

it's been six.and.a.half.months.

-you have my email address.
-you have my mobile number.
-you have my postal address.

(stop me if you've heard this before.)

you could have sent me a text, an email, a card at any time.

you didn't.

to me, that pretty much proves that you don't actually care.

you know H? she had her baby the day before i discovered mine had died. she sent me a message three days after childbirth, the day she found out, knowing that i might find it hard to see her but offering me support and love anyway. she met up with me for coffee when i was ready, and she let me cry and laugh and talk.

what the fuck have you offered me?


the bugger of it is, i don't actually care about this person any more. she's proved herself not to be a friend. not to be someone i can count on. and i don't really care anymore about people i can't count on. i dropped her on facebook back in january. i didn't realise at the time it was going to be permanent. i thought i just needed a break. but i'm happier without her.

but it makes me so, so angry when i hear of her telling other people how worried she is about me.

because to my mind, all she's doing is using my name to make herself look good.


it's strange, to remember how much i appreciated all the text messages and cards we got back in november and december. i sat in starbucks one day and wrote the text messages into what had been my pregnancy journal. i wanted to keep a record.

now, i don't give a crap. words of support mean very little if they aren't backed up with something. what i want are people who are willing to listen. who don't shy away when i say out loud (or type into emails or messaging boards) variations of 'when the baby died', or when i cry. funnily enough, work colleagues are surprisingly willing to let me say those words. people who i would have called my friends before? not so much. some have been amazing. but more have been conspicuous by their absence.

i want people who will abide with me while i cry or while i drive myself insane with ifs and buts and maybes. who will sit and hold my hand, either literally or as best they can from an ocean away.

if all you can do is tell third parties that you care?

you're no use to me.


i don't think i've ever really said that i couldn't have survived without all you people in blogland. thank you all so, so much.


Noelle said...

After my miscarriage I truly discovered who my friends really were. Also, I discovered who the caring member of my family were. Sadly, I lost friends and I have come to see some family differently. It's like a test, and many people did not pass. I still remember the cruelty that people showed me after my miscarriage, and it still stings. But I am slowly moving on and learning to say, "screw you." I'm sorry that your "friend" did this. Good riddance to them.

trousers said...

This is an aside to the main thrust of your post, but -

- all those variations of 'when the baby died' that you've shared here have really, really increased my understanding*.

I hope you realise that thanks are due to you in return.

(*I would be reluctant to say that 'I understand' because, without all sorts of necessary qualifiers, it would sound really crass. Hopefully what I put above conveys what I mean in a more suitable way.)

Illanare said...

I went through something similar with a couple of friends ("friends") too. It hurts and I also find it inexplicable.

I know it isn't the same as support from physical people you have known in real life - but here in blogland you have folk who will never shy away from any of the various ways you want to talk about when your baby died. We will all be here as often and as long as you need us.

Many virtual hugs.

car said...

I am tired of waiting for all the people who sent emails and cards right after Reid died to call or email us now (2.5 months later). I'm sorry that it hasn't gotten any better for you over 6 months after losing your baby. The blogs and websites really are a lifeline for all of us.