Saturday, 3 July 2010

CD35

This morning my temperature was 36.12.

But still no sign of my period.

I did a pregnancy test just to make absolutely sure. Negative.

I've never had such a fucked-up cycle before.

Currently 10 DPO. My temp usually stays high way longer than this.

Right now, I just want my sodding period to show up so we can start again on this treadmill.

But also? The thought of another round of duty se.x, whether we want to or not, makes me want to cry.

I want to take a month off. From temps and checking my cerv.ix and se.x when the signs are right.

But if I have another cycle a week (or more!) longer than usual, and I don't know what's going on, I think I'll scream.

I can't bear the thought of thinking there's a possibility I'm pregnant, when really I just ovulated even later.

Anyway, I'd still have to keep taking folic acid, just in case. I'd still want to keep my alcohol intake down.

But there's also a tiny part of me just wants to give up.

Is the dream of children of our own really worth taking such a toll on our mental health?

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I may have said this before – but we keep doing the same thing each month, again and again, but expecting a different outcome.

Isn't that the very definition of insanity?

3 comments:

Illanare said...

It's also the definition of hope. Insanity's twin sister?

biojen said...

Insanity's twin sister, I like that.

I'm sorry, B. When I saw your new temps my heart plummeted. I was so hoping they would keep going up. Trying not to hope is so impossible. I know what you mean when you question if it is worth it. I have decided to give up temping after this cycle. The clomid really screwed me up this month and I just can't keep doing that. I want to go back to making love because I want to, not because I am expecting to get something from it. I hope your chart is just screwing with you and you really are pregnant. I really, really do.

B said...

Thanks Illanare. I like that. I think you said it before, too. I'll hopefully remember it this time :)

Thank you too Jen. My period has shown up now :( I had a very dark day yesterday, but am doing a lot better today.