there seems to be little rhyme or reason to the dates that make me remember.
25th november is the date i mourn. the 25th day of every month stings to a greater or lesser extent.
that was the day we found out that i'd been carrying a dead baby for four weeks without any clue there was anything wrong.
29th november was the day i went into hospital as a day patient, the date i passed my baby into a bedpan. that date? doesn't sting so much, even though i feel that it should.
maybe it's partly because it didn't feel like a birth. 17 weeks had turned into 13 weeks and into not-pregnant-at-all at the same time.
what happened that day did not feel like giving birth.
one of the things that haunted me once i realised how long the baby had been dead inside me was hallowe'en.
D had gone to the cinema that night. there was an all-night horror showing. four films, starting at 10.30pm. i stayed home, alone. but not-alone. i had the baby! i was never alone.
except, i didn't. i was.
by then it was already dead.
i think that will always be a hard time for me. not a time to mourn, but a time for unpleasant shivers to run down my spine. hallowe'en is a time for dead things.
my baby wasn't supposed to be one of them.
my due date was 6th may.
the beginning of may will always be hard, but i suspect that the november date will be harder, coming as it does as england turns dark and cold. may will be a time to think about what might have been. november will be a time to remember what was.
and i suspect that i will often use these lottery numbers.
not always, but often down the years.
17 (the number of weeks pregnant i thought i was)
13 (weeks when the baby died)
25/11 (the date i found out the baby was long dead)
6/5 (the due date that was never meant to be)
which dates are the ones you remember? which are the ones you mourn?