Tuesday, 13 July 2010

the dates i remember, the dates i mourn

there seems to be little rhyme or reason to the dates that make me remember.

25th november is the date i mourn. the 25th day of every month stings to a greater or lesser extent.

that was the day we found out that i'd been carrying a dead baby for four weeks without any clue there was anything wrong.

29th november was the day i went into hospital as a day patient, the date i passed my baby into a bedpan. that date? doesn't sting so much, even though i feel that it should.

maybe it's partly because it didn't feel like a birth. 17 weeks had turned into 13 weeks and into not-pregnant-at-all at the same time.

what happened that day did not feel like giving birth.

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one of the things that haunted me once i realised how long the baby had been dead inside me was hallowe'en.

D had gone to the cinema that night. there was an all-night horror showing. four films, starting at 10.30pm. i stayed home, alone. but not-alone. i had the baby! i was never alone.

except, i didn't. i was.

by then it was already dead.

i think that will always be a hard time for me. not a time to mourn, but a time for unpleasant shivers to run down my spine. hallowe'en is a time for dead things.

my baby wasn't supposed to be one of them.

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my due date was 6th may.

the beginning of may will always be hard, but i suspect that the november date will be harder, coming as it does as england turns dark and cold. may will be a time to think about what might have been. november will be a time to remember what was.

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and i suspect that i will often use these lottery numbers.

not always, but often down the years.

17 (the number of weeks pregnant i thought i was)
13 (weeks when the baby died)
25/11 (the date i found out the baby was long dead)
6/5 (the due date that was never meant to be)

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which dates are the ones you remember? which are the ones you mourn?

7 comments:

Angela said...

May 20th - my estimated due date.

May 14th - the date she was born - and died.

May 15th - I had a dream when I was seven weeks pregnant I would have a baby on the 15th of May. Sometimes I wonder if she was born one day too early, even though that makes no sense at all.

Dates are hard. I've been thinking about that a lot today as tomorrow is July 14th.

Beautiful words B, but sad too.

car said...

April 3 - his "birthday"

April 2 - when I went into labour (I think that day is almost worse because it's the last day I was happy and that everything was okay)

Right now I am little freaked out by the fact that he was conceived about a week from this time last year. Wish I had a date for it, but my brain can't remember details like that anymore.

Miss Ruby said...

I simply have too many dates to remember anymore but then 8 losses will do that.

There is one though (or two). My 6th and 7th losses, my due date was the same with each of them a year apart. My 6th one hurt alot because I found out AND lost it the same day that I found out my Dad's cancer had come back and he was terminal. I was due 3 days after his birthday as well.

Big hugs honey!

xxx

Illanare said...

28th April (Starchild)
6th February (Bean)
24th December (little stars)
My missed due dates (Nov 25th and today - July 14th) don't get me, the loss dates do.That said, I remember the due dates so perhaps they do get me...

Hugs, my dear.

B said...

thank you all for sharing them with me. i'll remember your babies too.

xx

Catherine W said...

Oh this post just breaks my heart. I am so very sorry. I know I've said it before and it is fairly useless but I am just so sorry. I wish things had worked out differently for you, D and your baby.

I suppose I only really remember the two dates, the day the girls were born and the day that G died. x

B said...

those dates are coming up too aren't they catherine? i'll remember x