Sunday, 4 July 2010

'non geordie mum'?

i first started a blog called 'non geordie mum' on wordpress back in october.

i wanted somewhere to blog about my pregnancy. i thought, back then, that it was a given that one day i would have a baby of my own. a child made up of myself and D. the non geordie mum name was obvious. it fit well with my other blogs. it seemed like a good name.

then the end came. and i started to discover that the dream doesn't come true for everyone. that sometimes it's snatched away. that sometimes good people don't get to be parents. (oh illanare, i hope so hard that something magic happens and that this will one day no longer apply to you, as unlikely as it may seem.)

and yet. when i wanted to move the posts i'd already written back in the naive old days of october over to blogger with the rest of my blogs, i chose to keep the same name. non geordie mum. a statement. one that now seems filled with a breathtaking arrogance. a certainty that i do not feel. a certainty i have not felt since the end came.

(i'm well aware that i link that post far more than any other.)

i don't feel like a mother.

i don't think it will ever happen.

but i hope, so hard, that i'm wrong.

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i actually have a page that discusses this. i'd kind of forgotten.

has anyone bothered to read the pages? i might repost them as normal posts if not.

5 comments:

biojen said...

I've seen that page. And I hope so very much that you are wrong. You deserve to hold your baby in your arms, alive and well. I will wait with you for that day. In the meantime I'll send lots of hugs through the ether.

Catherine W said...

I hope you are wrong too.

I have read the page you mention as I was curious. I always like to know the story of how the blogs I read came by their names.

I don't think it sounds arrogant. One thing I've come to realise over the past couple of years is that the word 'mother' is often too narrowly defined. I know women who have never conceived a child, who have no living children, who mother adopted children or step children and these women, I believe, are mothers in the fullest sense of the word. Perhaps more so than mothers who may have multiple living children yet appear not to give a damn about any of them.

Even if you don't feel like a mother, my own view is that the love and care you show through your writing, both for your little snowflake and for your future children, makes you a mother. You've almost chosen to be one? If that makes any sense at all?! Perhaps I should just go to sleep! x

Illanare said...

I also hope - and believe - you are wrong.

Many hugs and so many grateful thanks for your support and comments.

mare said...

I have read those pages.

I have much hope that you are wrong.

xo

B said...

thank you all, so much.

and catherine i'm glad you typed and didn't just go to sleep :)