i first started a blog called 'non geordie mum' on wordpress back in october.
i wanted somewhere to blog about my pregnancy. i thought, back then, that it was a given that one day i would have a baby of my own. a child made up of myself and D. the non geordie mum name was obvious. it fit well with my other blogs. it seemed like a good name.
then the end came. and i started to discover that the dream doesn't come true for everyone. that sometimes it's snatched away. that sometimes good people don't get to be parents. (oh illanare, i hope so hard that something magic happens and that this will one day no longer apply to you, as unlikely as it may seem.)
and yet. when i wanted to move the posts i'd already written back in the naive old days of october over to blogger with the rest of my blogs, i chose to keep the same name. non geordie mum. a statement. one that now seems filled with a breathtaking arrogance. a certainty that i do not feel. a certainty i have not felt since the end came.
(i'm well aware that i link that post far more than any other.)
i don't feel like a mother.
i don't think it will ever happen.
but i hope, so hard, that i'm wrong.
i actually have a page that discusses this. i'd kind of forgotten.
has anyone bothered to read the pages? i might repost them as normal posts if not.