Monday, 12 July 2010

overheard

i walked into town this lunchtime.

i was listening to music on my earphones. not really listening to anything. not wanting to hear people's conversations.

but then i heard a voice. it seemed to be in my ear.

'5th december', it said.

and i wondered idly what was happening on that date. concert? wedding? anniversary? party?

'oh, lovely!' a second voice said.

and then i heard the first voice again.

'a christmas baby!'

---

it's the sudden jabs that hurt.

the ones i have no bracing time for.

and what did my brain have to tune into that tiny snippet of conversation for, anyway?

i'd walked along a good while without tuning into anyone's conversations.

why that one? why then?

---

and walking along northumberland street, i realised, and my heart started to drop.

the people with december due dates are telling people that they're pregnant. they're safely past their 12-week scans.

(i wish i'd been right when i thought i was safely past mine)

and it made me calculate

what my due date would be, if i got pregnant this month

(not that i believe for a second that i will)

and i subtracted three months, added seven days

and came up with two days before my birthday

9 april 2011

---

twenty-eleven?????????????????

how is that possible?

two days after that i will turn 35.

so by the time i get to have a baby who lives, i'll almost certainly be an elderly gravida. even if you take that to be over 35, not over 30.

(not primi. this will not be my first child. i will fight anyone who tries to tell me it is)

and that due date

it wouldn't even be in the first quarter of the year

time is slip slip slipping away

---

i'm just exhausted.

if it's going to happen let it happen.

if it's not, i need to know sooner rather than later.

---

i go to see my GP tomorrow afternoon.

let's hope the waiting list isn't too long for us.........

5 comments:

MK said...

I'm so sorry this hurt you so badly. I hate that feeling in your heart when you hear someone, not you, is pregnant. It's the worst combination of sadness, guilt and grief. Sending you a big hug.

Miss Ruby said...

Nothing worse than overhearing the conversations you really don't want to.

I hope you get your miracle next year, in fact I hope a whole bunch of us get our miracle in 2011.

Mwah
xxxx

Illanare said...

I hope you get your miracle next year too.

Hugs heading northwards.

Catherine W said...

That 'a christmas baby!' would have stung me too.

Time does sometimes feel like it is slipping away doesn't it?

I'm so sorry B. It think it is the constant 'not knowing' that I find so very wearing. As you say, I just wish I knew if it was going to happen.

I hope that your appointment with your GP went well and that the waiting list is very short. x

B said...

thank you for the hugs and support everyone.

i think one of the other things that got to me was that my baby was supposed to be in the same school year as many other babies born to friends this year. now if i get pregnant this month, my child will be well into the second half of the school year. it's just so strange to think that all this time later other babies have been born, other people have got pregnant, and yet i'm here, arms and womb still empty.

i still have hope today, but it's still hard to understand.