it turns out i've had a useful book on my shelf for all the time i've been going through this, and yet i'd no idea.
the book is called 'You'll get over it: the rage of bereavement'. i've had it for over three years, for sure; i bought it at a second hand book sale in the job before this one. i started to read it when i first brought it home, but the mere thought of losing someone i loved devastated me. i started to realise that one day i would lose my mum and my dad (luckily that was plenty for my brain to cope with; i didn't even start to think about the possibility of losing D too), and i cried. i howled. i could barely breathe.
in the end D took the book away from me and hid it. probably just as well.
i've been aware of where the book is on the bookshelf for a while now. i guess i've just been happy to leave it there. know that it was there for when, one day, someone died and i needed it.
but for the last seven months, i haven't remembered.
not til yesterday.
and yesterday i picked it up.
finally, i've found a published book that seems to make sense. someone out there is talking about how death affects people. about how some people need to cry, some don't. about how grief is only a tiny part of the bereavement process. about how it isn't really a process. or a journey. about how different it is for different people; about how there's no 'right way' or 'wrong way' to go about grieving.
about how absolutely shitty it is.
it talks about shock and numbness and PTSD. about how some people need to see a body, some don't. the physical effects it can have on you.
the horrendous things that people can say.
it talks about losing father and mothers and sisters and brothers. it's quite comprehensive in its consideration of death and its effects on those left behind. but it also talks about stillbirth (once at least; i've not read the whole thing yet) and it mentions miscarriage more than once.
how amazing! a book about bereavement that acknowledges that miscarriage and stillbirth are death, are a bereavement.
and how depressing that i'm thrilled and amazed to see that in print.
You'll get over it: the rage of bereavement is by Virginia Ironside. it's rather english, but none the worse for it; i just wanted to warn any readers who aren't. just in case.
i'm glad to be able to recommend a book for a change.