Saturday, 17 July 2010

strangely positive

a few days ago i was thinking. about the fact i'm not pregnant yet. about getting referred on for testing. about what the next steps will be for us. about how relieved i am that my GP is writing the letter.

and i stopped in my tracks when i realised that i was glad we were getting referred on.

i believe(d) that getting pregnant was a fluke. i've never expected it to work. never expected to get pregnant even before we lost the baby. i remember D one month saying 'i really think we may have done it this time' and watching myself as i told him not to get my hopes up. i watched the smile slide from his face and hated myself for it.

and i've never expected it to work since. even less since. i kind of assume that we are monica and chandler from friends - that his sperm are low motility and i have a 'hostile environment'. but i'd never realised before that i was acting like i wanted this to be true.

but i really kinda have been.

i've been pretty pessimistic about this month. just assuming that if it hasn't worked by now, then it's not gonna. that we need to go on and be tested. i've been hoping that it's just something small. that maybe they can give me something to promote cervical fluid and say something to make D stop drinking so damned much and eat healthier. that maybe after that we'd just get pregnant nice and easily.

but even though we've been doing the deed each month, i've been expecting it not to happen. of course, i've always been devastated when it's not happened. but not surprised.

so this thought, this realising i wasn't expecting a positive. it somehow took me by surprise. ridiculous but true.

---

and since then, since i realised all that, i feel more positive.

i feel that there is a chance that this month might be the month.

and in maybe-connected news, s.ex suddenly doesn't feel like a chore. today we did it just because we both were in the mood. well timed but not to the timetable we had agreed, on the grounds that we nearly killed sex last month. it wasn't just a normal chore by the end of the month. it was cleaning out the cat poo from the garden. (we don't have cats. other people's cats, just to make it worse.) that was how much we didn't want to have sex.

today? it was pretty.damned.good. and we didn't care whether it was well timed or not.

---

back in september, three hours after i found out i was pregnant, i found out that my sister was getting married.

two weeks today is said sister's hen night.

coincidentally, if i ov.ulate to my usual timescale, that will be day 29 of my cycle, and a day that i could conceivably (har har) get a positive test result.

and that pregnancy didn't end so well, so in some ways i wouldn't want the echoes of that pregnancy in this one.

and yet.

i'm taking it as a good sign.

but!

and this is the good part.

if i'm not pregnant -

i kind of think that i'll be ok.

i kind of think i'll be able to take a couple of days to be sad (hopefully delayed til after my sister's hen night), then shrug it off and start again.

pretty amazing, huh?

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edited to add:

my best friend J had her baby today. a little girl.

i am looking forward to seeing them both so, so badly. i haven't been able to see J since february, since her pregnancy got too obvious. she has been amazing about it.

i kind of hope that now she's had her little girl safe and well, that it's my turn.

3 comments:

Helen . B. Cooper said...

This post made me smile. I am so glad that you're feeling a bit more positive :-), and I know just how wonderful a chink of light through the crappy dark clouds can be. I still remember, clear as day, the point at which I decided I had to start looking for positives because the grief was wearing me down and exhausting me far more than I realised. The feeling when the dark clouds lifted, even a smidge, was one of the best moments of my life.
Onwards and upwards, b ~ and I'm really hoping for good news for you soon :-)
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PS: ta for fb-ing me the Grist competition stuff

Illanare said...

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B said...

thank you both my lovelies.