Thursday, 1 July 2010

two days ago my BBT (basal body temp) was 36.73 degrees C.

yesterday it was 36.59. the same as my coverline.

today, it was 36.39.

fertility friend seems to think there is still hope. i'm not convinced.

my brain, though, keeps 'helpfully' suggesting possible reasons for today's low temp. you woke up for the loo at 3.20am; you'd only been asleep three hours. you've normally been asleep way longer when you take your temp. and you drank ice-cold water when you were up for the loo! your mouth must still've been cold from that.

and i want to believe it. i really, really do. and most months prior to this, even when my temp has started to fall - even when it's been well under the coverline - i've still had hope. i've told myself that i haven't started my period, it just might be implantation spotting. that any temperature dip is just an implantation dip. even when it's perfectly clear to anyone that no, it's perfectly clear, you're just not pregnant.

the bugger of this month is that when i read the display on my thermometer this morning, i knew straight away. this is not our month. we might really have a problem. i'm not young enough to fuck around with this. i called the doctors' surgery to try and make a phone appointment to speak to my GP, so she could start with the referral. but she's away. not back til 13 july. and i already have an appointment with her that day. so i'll have to wait til then.

so is that progress? that i'm not clinging onto hope when it's gently been extinguished? it kind of feels like it. that i still have hope, but i realise it's not realistic. i knew this month wasn't likely to be our month.

but.

but.

today, i've felt sick. i've felt dizzy and exhausted. i was in a meeting this morning; the room was overfull and hot and airless even with the windows open. i had to lean my head against the wall; i had to hold onto the walls of the corridor on the way back to my office and sit quietly for ten minutes before i could even think of doing anything else.

i would have lain* down on the floor if i didn't work in a busy office.

i've been doubling my antidepressant use this week. one of my friends who takes ADs (she doesn't plan on having kids so no connection to babyloss) says that she doubles her dose in the run up to her period as her PMT is so bad. my ears pricked up when she told me this; i discussed it with my GP and we decided to i should try it too. so these symptoms might be to do with that; the ones i'm on can lead to dizziness.

but that annoying part of my brain, the one that's telling me all the reasons my temperature might have been low this morning? it only has one suggestion for the dizziness.

maybe you're pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that's all it says. it doesn't say how exciting that is. it doesn't say definitely. it just keeps dangling that possibility just under my nose.

i wish it would stop. i'm not strong enough to keep hoping when i know it's not real.

---

oh, and i've lost my sodding charts for the five cycles i charted last year. fuuuuuuck.



*laid? lay? conditional past version of lie. google was no bloody help. if anyone can tell me for sure which word it should be i will be very happy. and impressed.

6 comments:

biojen said...

Hey - I tried to comment on Glow and screwed it up. I wanted to tell you that I looked at your chart and I think your ovulation date is wrong. My temps have been really erratic and I wasn't getting an ovulation day, even though all the signs were there. I went back and deleted the 3 high temps and lo and behold FF found my ovulation date. I think from looking at your chart that if you disregard the temp on the tenth, your coverline should be at 36.3 and your current temps are still above the coverline and your lp will be longer. I don't want to give you false hope, because your temps are still dropping, but I'm really, really hoping for you.

biojen said...

Oh - I forgot you would probably have to delete the low temp on the 21st also. I'm sorry this have been so hard for you. The hope is the worst part. I'm not sure we could keep doing this to ourselves without it, but it would be nice to not be so invested in the outcome every.single.month. I'm thinking of you, try to take it easy for a few days.

Illanare said...

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mare said...

Hi Beth- that nagging, dangling carrot of "I could be pregnant" that is there even when you try to ignore it, is torture.

I feel crazy, literally crazy, sometimes, at the back and forth in my mind.

Here's hoping your temp goes up.

B said...

I changed the method of calculation already Jen, the original coverline was 36.59! I think it was letting the OPK sway it far too far. ah well, it's over now, and hopefully i won't have another screwed up cycle like that one. fingers crossed....

thanks illanare.

thanks mare. i will have to get round to catching up with your blog soon, hon. i just don't have time and don't want to just skim it. soon, i promise.

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