Monday, 9 August 2010

and then....

just in case i wasn't finding life quite hard enough, Te$co Baby magazine turned up in the post on Friday. i phoned up at the end of may and asked them to take me off the damn list. i heavily alluded to why. that was over two months ago. why the hell am i still on the list????????

i phoned up. told them again. the woman apologised. not as much as i'd hoped, but she apologised. and when she'd removed me she went back into the system to make sure i'd really gone.

i had.


after that? i opened the magazine.

stupid, i know. but i kind of wanted to see what my life would be like. if 'things had been different'.

i found out that i would have been thinking about weaning. i would have been thinking about christenings or naming ceremonies. i looked through dispassionately, looking for clues about what my life would have been.

but it seemed less and less real as i turned the pages. less and less like something that could have been anything to do with my life.

was i really pregnant? did i really have a scan where everything was a-OK? did we really tell people that we were going to have a baby? that we were going to be parents?

i had to count up, to see where we would have been. three months. i would have had a three month old baby.

(is that all?)

but it seems so far away. it's over eight months since our lives started to diverge. mine, and the shadow-life where my pregnancy continued. the one in which i gave birth on time to a living baby.

it's so hard. living this life. caught between one life and its shadow version, where everything went right. not knowing if i'll ever get to experience a version where it all goes right.

not knowing whether i'll ever get to hold a living breathing combination of my genes and D's.


rebecca said...

So sorry that happened, what an awful thing to come home to in the mail. I hate those reminders of what my life should be instead of what I've now been left with since our daughter died, they're so difficult to think about. I too sometimes wonder those same questions, was I ever really pregnant? How could this have possibly turned into my life? And I also wonder whether I'll ever hold a living hard.

Miss Ruby said...

I understand this. It feels like you're caught in a parallel world, existing between being a mother and not being a mother and not sure which the parallel world will merge with.


Illanare said...

The artist formerly known as Significant Other (now called A) was, when he left, reading a book on Hugh Everett - the main proponent of the "Many World" theory. It isn't as simplistic as how I like to look at it but it basically says that for every direction every atom in this universe takes, there are many others they didn't take.

I do know that it isn't that simple but for over a year now I have been strangely comforted by it. In my darkest of dark days, I choose to believe that there is a world where Starchild lived, another where Bean just turned one and yet another where I am preparing to give birth to my little stars.

Hugs to you, my dear.

Miss Ruby said...

Ello gorgeous!

I just gave you a very fabulous award [if I do say so myself!].

Stop by my blog to check it out!