just in case i wasn't finding life quite hard enough, Te$co Baby magazine turned up in the post on Friday. i phoned up at the end of may and asked them to take me off the damn list. i heavily alluded to why. that was over two months ago. why the hell am i still on the list????????
i phoned up. told them again. the woman apologised. not as much as i'd hoped, but she apologised. and when she'd removed me she went back into the system to make sure i'd really gone.
after that? i opened the magazine.
stupid, i know. but i kind of wanted to see what my life would be like. if 'things had been different'.
i found out that i would have been thinking about weaning. i would have been thinking about christenings or naming ceremonies. i looked through dispassionately, looking for clues about what my life would have been.
but it seemed less and less real as i turned the pages. less and less like something that could have been anything to do with my life.
was i really pregnant? did i really have a scan where everything was a-OK? did we really tell people that we were going to have a baby? that we were going to be parents?
i had to count up, to see where we would have been. three months. i would have had a three month old baby.
(is that all?)
but it seems so far away. it's over eight months since our lives started to diverge. mine, and the shadow-life where my pregnancy continued. the one in which i gave birth on time to a living baby.
it's so hard. living this life. caught between one life and its shadow version, where everything went right. not knowing if i'll ever get to experience a version where it all goes right.
not knowing whether i'll ever get to hold a living breathing combination of my genes and D's.