Wednesday, 11 August 2010

i discovered something at the end of last week and it made me uncomfortable, and nervous. and i'm not sure what to do with the information.

(really, there's nothing to do with the information. i think i just need to talk about it.)

yeah. so.

back at the end (or the beginning, i suppose. depends which direction you're looking in.), they told us that the baby measured only 13 weeks. i knew that that was that, because i was supposed to be 16+6 that day.

last week, while looking for something else that i didn't actually find, i looked at the last scan picture that they gave us from that day, the one where the baby is dead. and i noticed something. i noticed that the CRL was given (57.7), with 'GA' below.

the GA on the scan picture is 12+1.

12+1 ≠ 13.

12+1, in fact, is six whole days earlier than 13.

and if 12+1 is true? then our baby died almost a full week earlier than we thought.

if 12+1 is true? then i carried my baby for 4 weeks and 5 days after it died without any clue that something was wrong. not 3 weeks and 6 days.

(and yes. that makes a difference.)

if 12+1 is true?

then our baby lived only four days after our twelve week scan.

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if our scan had happened to fall a few days later, maybe the baby would have been dead already.

and i wouldn't have started to believe.

and maybe this wouldn't have destroyed me quite so thoroughly.

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not quite, anyway.

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but why did they tell me one thing and let the picture say something else?

i wish i understood.

5 comments:

therootofallevel said...

you listen to me mama. i carried my son for exactly 37 weeks. he wasn't exactly the most active child (in fact looking back, it should have been a red flag all along how inactive he was) but nonetheless his heart was beating and he was alive.

i had NO IDEA he would be born still during my entire labor. NONE. and so many other mama's share my story as well.

shit happens. and while that sounds like the crappiest thing to say on earth, it does. it did. and it happened to us both.

you weren't to blame. you didn't know. and if you blame yourself i'm going to jump over the pond and smack you silly.

you are a beautiful and wonderful mother. don't think any different.

(wow, i probably sound like a TOTAL bitch. i'm not, i love. please be gentle to yourself.)

with you always!

B said...

thank you. that helps.

you're welcome to jump over the pond and smack me if we can go get drinks afterwards :)

Angela said...

I agree - shit happens. My girl was active, active, active and she died.

You are a good mama and you had no way of knowing that things were not progressing as they should.

I absolutely understand why finding that out unnerved you, but try not to let it knock you completely off your feet.

You did your best, I did my best, so many of us did our best, and yet our babies died. It's so easy to put the blame on one's own shoulders, but you did nothing wrong.

biojen said...

I really can't stand it when the records don't agree with what the doctor tells you. How stupid do they think we are? You don't round up in a situation like this (which is probably what they did).

I'm sorry you had that unpleasant shock. And I think I told you this before - Aiden always measured behind because something was very wrong with him. He got further behind the longer he lived. By the time he died he was measuring 3 weeks behind on some things and 2 on others. Those measurements are really only a guess. If your baby was sick to begin with it may have just been small. I know that probably isn't really a comfort but I hate to see you beat yourself up over when and how your baby died. It was nothing you did or could have changed. Repeat that until you believe it (pot calling the kettle black over here).

Catherine W said...

Oh my dear. I can see why that would make you feel uncomfortable. I'm sorry that the dates don't seem to stack up, it is horrible to think you have the facts and later find out that you don't.
I can't say it better than Julie, Angela and Jen already have. You couldn't have known and it wasn't your fault. x