Thursday, 12 August 2010

I'm not a big jewellery person.

I used to be. I used to have big rings I wore every day. I used to have friendship bracelets (proper woven ones, not the thin ones like in FlashForward) and leather bracelets. I used to wear earrings a lot. Although I didn't have my ears pierced til I was 15. (But then I wanted more, but wasn't allowed til I'd gone to university. I hadn't been gone long though before I put another two holes in my left year. They were done before I went back home at Christmas.)

But I digress.

The rings started to be left off as I 'left' uni (jumped or was pushed, it's hard to say) and then when D and I got engaged they went completely. I didn't want a ring with a stone; we used a tradition I think is Austrian, where the couple both have their wedding rings for the time they are engaged but wear them on the opposite hands. I liked wearing something to show I was engaged, but liked D doing the same thing. And I wanted that ring to be the focus point. The other jewellery it's harder to pinpoint. I just stopped over the years. I'm not entirely sure why or when.

These days I have an ankh necklace and a snowflake pendant. i'm wearing earrings again; three hoops in my left ear and a yin yang or a pentagram or an ankh in my right.

and i started wearing bracelets.

at the end of july last year, i bought a pair of black bracelets from H&M. i only wanted one, so i gave the other to my sister. (incidentally, she wore it at her hen do the other weekend. which was odd, considering what i'm going to say.)

i wore mine on and off through my pregnancy, just because i liked it. (my LMP started 1st august, but according to the scan the baby had been conceived on 13th august, so effectively i bought it almost exactly when i fell pregnant.)

then the baby died.

and then the bracelet became something more. it became something i put on at the same time as my watch and the rose ring i also wear daily too now. it became something i wore nearly every day. when i went back to work it became something i wore every day. it was my version of wearing mourning. even if the rest of the world didn't notice, it was an outward sign of my grief and pain.

the problem was that i then didn't want to stop wearing it. even when i also did.

---

that weekend i was in york and had fun? i left it off then. wore another bracelet. one i love, a heavy silver one. but other than that i've felt that i have to wear it all the time. whether i want to or not.

so when we went to barcelona, i made a decision. that i wasn't going to wear it. that i was on holiday. that i was going to put my mourning and my grief aside, and enjoy the sunshine, and be happy.

and it worked. the sun shone and we relaxed and i was happy.

and i got used to not wearing that external sign.

---

the problem is that now i'm bad again. i'm grieving. i'm in pain.

and now i want to put it on. but i don't.

and it's really, really confusing.

and i know that it's just a damned bracelet, and i shouldn't attach this much significance to it.

but i did.

i wish i hadn't.

5 comments:

Jenn said...

Ah, grief makes us do crazy things, huh? I totally get the bracelet thing, not confusing to me at all.

B said...

thank you for understanding, jenn x

Hanen said...

Oh I was very much the same with a bracelet I wore in the hospital. It was an old one of my mum's I'd been attached to as a child, and I knew my dad kept it in his drawer, and asked him to bring it in to the hospital after the accident. For that first month or so I wouldn't go anywhere without it.

I've gradually weaned myself off wearing it, but I keep it in a special place near Z's photo.

Hanen said...

Sorry - also meant to say - there is nothing wrong with attaching significance to a bracelet, or any other thing that gives you comfort. Grieving is hard, sad work - if something makes you feel closer to your baby, then I think that is a good thing, and you don't need to beat yourself up for it, or to try and make sense of it. I don't wear the bracelet much any more, but I do wear other things in memory of Z - a beautiful brooch, and a small golden heart mending my necklace where it was cut off me by the ambulance officers. Do whatever is right for you. xxh

B said...

Thank you Hanen. it's good to hear that other people get it. Your experience sounds so horrendous. I'm so sorry for what happened to you and your family.