Tuesday, 10 August 2010

i've been meaning to post this for about the last month but i've kept forgetting.

it took me that long to work out why 'rainbow babies' are 'rainbow babies'. it's because of noah, right? because of god's promise not to destroy life again?

(or am i overthinking?)

(also, i'm not religious, but i was brought up cath.olic. i know my bible.)

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friday this week marks one year since our baby was conceived.

friday 13th. of course.

how is it a year since this began?

how is it eight and a half months since it ended?

how did something that existed for such a short time break me so thoroughly?

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i worked out today (because torturing myself with what-probably-won't-happen is fun!) what my due date would be (if i ovulated to a normal timescale) if we were to get pregnant this cycle. it would be 13th may 2011. one year and one week after my last due date.

and, of course, that would be friday 13th may.

sometimes you have to laugh. or else you would scream.

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i was at the doctor's tonight (not my usual doc, but another nice one), for something kind-of-tangenitally-related-to-all-this-fertility-stuff-but-not-really, and she mentioned our referral. and she said something like 'let's hope that getting the referral works wonders and you get pregnant and don't need it'.

i'd be lying if i said i hadn't hoped the same thing.

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i am sick of finding life impossibly hard. i am sick of crying. i am sick of grieving. i am sick of unsuccessfully ttc.

i miss being happy. i miss being cheerful. i miss my optimism. i miss my belief in the future. i miss my naïveté.

i am bored of being this miserable person.

i know it doesn't work like this. but i want to be done. i want to pack my grief up neatly into a box and put it on top of my wardrobe. just take it down on occasion, and remember. i want to be able to choose when i do that. i don't want to be blindsided. i want to live a proper life again.

but, at the same time, i don't want to forget. i don't want to be unaffected by the loss of the first child we conceived.

i guess there's no good outcome to this, really.

i can't believe that still surprises me, all this time later.

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thank you all for supporting me through this horrible time. it helps knowing there are people out there thinking of me, who care.

8 comments:

Angela said...

I've read a couple different definitions of rainbow baby, but I like yours the best.

Hoping for a rainbow baby for you.

Hope's Mama said...

"i am bored of being this miserable person."

I can totally relate to this. All of it, really.

The rainbow baby thing never sat comfortably with me. I'm also not religious, but I wasn't raised religious either. I have been known to say it though, only because it seems to be such a widespread term used here in this community, so I sort of just got swept up with it.

I like the idea of a rainbow after a storm, but the storm in our lives never really fully goes away. It is always there. Always present.

xo

Illanare said...

I like your definition of rainbow baby too.

I am sorry that everything is so wretched for you at the moment. I am so grateful for your support and I wish that I had something helpful to say to you in return. Instead, please know I am thinking of you and sending you hugs.

xx

biojen said...

I always thought it was the rainbow after the storm, but it has never been a comfortable phrase for me. Maybe I picked up some religious undertones.

It struck me tonight that I've never known the old you, just as you've never known the old me. Our due dates were so close together that we've been down this road pretty much together. I just wanted you to know that even though you are tired of this new, grieving person, I think she is a pretty amazing person. As we've said before, I'm sorry I found you this way but I'm glad I found you.

I hope things get easier and happier for you. Sending lots of virtual hugs.

lis said...

thinking of you and understanding my dear. i linked to you in my post, but without a title that will get lost along the way as you continue to post. no real big deal. i wish things were different.
xoxo
lis

Miss Ruby said...

I have so much to say about this post and yet at the same time nothing comes out....

Hopefully I'll be back to post a little later once the thoughts start flowing...

Until then, thinking of you always hon

xxxx

Jenn said...

I found myself nodding my head in agreement with this post. I am also so tired of feeling so unhappy. SO TIRED OF IT. But what can be done? Sigh.

Aoife said...

This is exactly how I feel right now - I'm so tired and bored of grieving, of being miserable, vulnerable to triggers, being the 'downer'... I miss the old me. I miss feeling light and happy and hopeful... this is such a long, tough journey. xx