i've been meaning to post this for about the last month but i've kept forgetting.
it took me that long to work out why 'rainbow babies' are 'rainbow babies'. it's because of noah, right? because of god's promise not to destroy life again?
(or am i overthinking?)
(also, i'm not religious, but i was brought up cath.olic. i know my bible.)
friday this week marks one year since our baby was conceived.
friday 13th. of course.
how is it a year since this began?
how is it eight and a half months since it ended?
how did something that existed for such a short time break me so thoroughly?
i worked out today (because torturing myself with what-probably-won't-happen is fun!) what my due date would be (if i ovulated to a normal timescale) if we were to get pregnant this cycle. it would be 13th may 2011. one year and one week after my last due date.
and, of course, that would be friday 13th may.
sometimes you have to laugh. or else you would scream.
i was at the doctor's tonight (not my usual doc, but another nice one), for something kind-of-tangenitally-related-to-all-this-fertility-stuff-but-not-really, and she mentioned our referral. and she said something like 'let's hope that getting the referral works wonders and you get pregnant and don't need it'.
i'd be lying if i said i hadn't hoped the same thing.
i am sick of finding life impossibly hard. i am sick of crying. i am sick of grieving. i am sick of unsuccessfully ttc.
i miss being happy. i miss being cheerful. i miss my optimism. i miss my belief in the future. i miss my naïveté.
i am bored of being this miserable person.
i know it doesn't work like this. but i want to be done. i want to pack my grief up neatly into a box and put it on top of my wardrobe. just take it down on occasion, and remember. i want to be able to choose when i do that. i don't want to be blindsided. i want to live a proper life again.
but, at the same time, i don't want to forget. i don't want to be unaffected by the loss of the first child we conceived.
i guess there's no good outcome to this, really.
i can't believe that still surprises me, all this time later.
thank you all for supporting me through this horrible time. it helps knowing there are people out there thinking of me, who care.