Wednesday, 25 August 2010

last night....

in the supermarket, something happened that's never happened before.

i was wandering round after D, largely in tears, when suddenly i had a flash.

it only lasted a second. but in that second? i imagined me pregnant.

i was in Asda, with D and a huge belly. we were laughing about something.

we were happy. and everything was ok.


i have never imagined myself pregnant before. never been able to visualise it. never been able to understand.

and i still can't, not really.

but for that one second, i could.



just maybe.

maybe there is hope?


trousers said...

Here's hoping.

Illanare said...

Yes, here's hoping indeed.

R. said...

Yes, there is hope...hold on to that. :)

Hanen said...

I hope that little flash is a pre-memory - a memory of something that will happen for you in the future. I love that buddhist saying that there are three forces which make an acorn grow - the little acorn itself, the elements which nourish it, and the spirit of the big oak tree that it will be in the future whispering "grow! grow!"

All fingers and toes crossed for you. xxxh

lis said...

all these feelings lately, i hope you are getting sleep and taking care of yourself. its so easy to let the grief win (TRUST ME I KNOW) i worry about you but i know we all have to navigate our own peaks and valleys on our own. just know that i am always thinking of you and hoping hard right alongside.

Miss Ruby said...

There is always hope, the depth of it just varies. Sometimes it's buried so far inside us that it daren't show it's face, other times it's bursting to get out.

I have hope for you my friend, just as I have hope for me - some may say [me included] that, that hope is wildly misplaced at times and perhaps even foolish but nevertheless, hope it is and in my heart it will always remain.

Because honestly without hope - what do we have?

Big hugs

B said...

hanen, that was what it felt like. not an imagining but a memory. whether it was a flash to that other universe where my pregnancy worked out, or to the future of this universe, i don't know. but it felt good. reassuring.

lis, i've taken today as leave and am staying in bed as long as i can. i'm supposed to be away this weekend (hen night and birthday party) but i might not go for the whole thing if i'm still feeling bad. i'm looking after myself as best i can, i supppose (and D is looking after me too).

thank you rach.

and thank you to the rest of you who are hoping for me. it means a lot.