Tuesday, 24 August 2010

my head's all in a spin.

i was terrified all morning.

the short version is that they didn't find any problems. but that doesn't explain anything. so i don't exactly feel any better.

---

but.

she had the report that the hospital did on the baby.

somehow.

i don't know why i've never been able to get it.

it was 55mm long.

(so small. so small.)

it had two arms. and two legs.

each of them had five digits.

there was no mention of a tumour on the neck.

and she said she thought that if there had been one that the report would have mentioned it.

so the only thing i thought i knew i was wrong about.

and the only answer i thought i had, that the baby had a chromosome abnormality, was wrong.

and it made me long for my baby - my tiny, perfectly-formed baby - all the more.

9 comments:

Catherine W said...

Oh sweetheart. I wish I had something to say other than that I am so sorry. But I am. So terribly sorry. xo

Illanare said...

Oh honey. It sounds strange to say "I'm sorry" that you discovered there was no abnormality with your baby - but that would have been an explanation. Many hugs xx

R. said...

I don't even have the right words for you, so just know that I am thinking of you.

biojen said...

I'm so sorry, B. I know it is always easier to have a reason, something that you can fix. I wish you had gotten that. ((Hugs))

Miss Ruby said...

Well this just fucking sucks. I'm sorry but it does. I'm sorry that we're all having to say sorry that your baby had nothing wrong with it because that just leaves you with even more questions about why you're not holding your baby in your arms right now.

I hate infertility with such a passion, I hate loss with even more passion - how it just rips dreams from people arms [and wombs] without even a second thought. How it lets people who really SHOULD think twice about being parents become parents and yet denies ones who would be brilliant at it.

There appears to be no rhyme nor reason as to who becomes parents and who doesn't and I TRULY believe that God has got sweet FA to do with who gets the blessing of a child.

Big hugs

xxxxx

p.s. Sorry if you're religious in any way!

Angela said...

Sweet baby with its two arms, two legs, ten fingers and toes.

I don't know what to say to you ... I am so sorry, this news must be hard to take.

lis said...

im so sorry. if i could do anything, i would.
xoxo
lis

Helen said...

Oh this is heartbreaking. God I'm sorry too (and agree with all the comments above). Lots of love. xx

B said...

thank you all.

and miss ruby, i think even those who do believe in God in whatever form can't believe that he/she/it hands out babies on merit. as has been said many a time before, there is no reason crack addicts get healthy babies and we lost ours.

i don't believe, just for the record. i'm kind of jealous of those who do.