Monday, 16 August 2010

today has been ok, really.

---

today's thought, though: one of the things that this loss has taken away from me? being good at my job.

i don't have the most important job in the world. i'm not the best person in the world at what i do. i have my weak areas, and i work on them.

or at least, i used to.

i never used to have days where i just sat and stared at the screen before. where it was sheer force of will that kept me at my desk all day.

i never used to drop the ball half as often as i do these days.

twice i've gone for an internal job where i work now. both times i got a copy of the reference written about me from the person i worked for. both times it was glowing, and made me feel capable of much more.

i shudder to think how much opinions of me have fallen. because i am not that good any more.

---

Current music: Head Down by Nine Inch Nails

And this is not my face
And this is not my life
And there is not a single thing here
I can recognize
This is all a dream
And none of you are real
I'll give anything
I'll give anything

Hey you
What you running from?
All your hate
What you've become
Bet you didn't think
It would happen to you

All used up
Half way through

And this is not my face
And this is not my life
And there is not a single thing here
I can recognize
This is all a dream
And none of you are real
I'll give anything
I'll give anything



I wish this wasn't my life.
And sure as hell I didn't think this would happen to me.
You're all real, though. And I wouldn't be able to make it through without you.
thank you.

6 comments:

Slackie O. said...

OH I feel this - I have spent way too many days and weeks staring at my computer screen and getting a remarkable amount of nothing done at work.

If you find a solution, please share it.

Illanare said...

I empathise and sympathise. I'm now adequate at my job, having spent the past decade being excellent at it and enthusiastic over it. IF and loss, the gift that keeps on taking...

I am sending virtual hugs in place of real ones until We Three meet.

xx

Miss Ruby said...

I've never really "excelled" at a job but that's because I never really wanted to work once Guvnor and I got together - before that I didn't like to stay in one place [or job] for too long, so would always get 'bored' and 'itcy feet' after about 6 to 12 months!!

xx

Jorgelina said...

*hugs* I'm so sorry it's all so hard.

Catherine W said...

I was always conscientious at work if nothing else. But now I also pass whole hours sitting and staring at the screen these days. I just can't seem to get my motivation back.

I hope that it will come back to us both one of these days. x

Melanie said...

Oh man - if I didn't work in the same office space as my boss, I would be SHIT for work. I already violate my ethical sensibilities as it is, sneaking looks at blogger all day. I finally stopped when I realized that I really need to be much more scared of the computer nazis at corporate.

Life's curveballs are too demanding to expect you to put your best energies into your job 100% of the time. Some things require more of your energy now, and you can always always always focus on your career later. Anyway, I feel ya. Work is torture somedays. Just torture .

Love the lyrics. Thanks for sharing