if you're pregnant, please don't hate me for this post. and please, please don't stop commenting. i don't want that to happen. but i need to acknowledge these feelings. because pretending they don't exist is just making me feel worse.
i kind of hope that acknowledging them will make them go away.
i look at the belly of every woman i pass.
i don't want to. if anything, i want not to. i want to be able to ensure my eyes never dip below a woman's chin, for fear of what i'll see.
but my gaze is drawn. i can't control it. i look. if the belly is flat, i can deal. i don't speculate. i'm ok. i'm ok.
but even the tiniest pot belly is enough to wind up my brain and send it spinning round in ever decreasing circles. is she? isn't she?
if it's big enough, defined enough to be a certain yes, i look away. i have no choice. i can't bear to see the belly i never had. the one i'm scared i'll never get to experience.
if it's a properly-huge about-to-burst due-date-is-any-day-now belly?
i recoil. i jerk my head away.
even though it's what i'm looking for - almost what i'm expecting - i'm never prepared.
i hate myself for this.
i don't want to be terrified of every pregnant woman i see.
i can't even cope with the ttc-pregnancy-birth boards at glow right now. so many pregnant people. so many of them who started trying well after we started trying again.
i'd be lying if i said that that, in particular, didn't sting.
i don't begrudge anyone else their happiness. i'm just terrified it will never be me. that everyone else will move on, and that only i will be left.
i'm actually ok on the blogs. if i know people are pregnant, i'm ok. i can offer love and hugs and support, and i mean them. please don't think i'm just offering lip service. if i comment, i mean it.
i want to be pregnant so badly.
i long to be pregnant.
which is kind of ironic, given how terrified i would be to actually be pregnant right now.
i hate this ugliness, carried inside me.
in about that spot where a baby should be.