Tuesday, 31 August 2010

ugliness

if you're pregnant, please don't hate me for this post. and please, please don't stop commenting. i don't want that to happen. but i need to acknowledge these feelings. because pretending they don't exist is just making me feel worse.

i kind of hope that acknowledging them will make them go away.

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i look at the belly of every woman i pass.

i don't want to. if anything, i want not to. i want to be able to ensure my eyes never dip below a woman's chin, for fear of what i'll see.

but my gaze is drawn. i can't control it. i look. if the belly is flat, i can deal. i don't speculate. i'm ok. i'm ok.

but even the tiniest pot belly is enough to wind up my brain and send it spinning round in ever decreasing circles. is she? isn't she?

if it's big enough, defined enough to be a certain yes, i look away. i have no choice. i can't bear to see the belly i never had. the one i'm scared i'll never get to experience.

if it's a properly-huge about-to-burst due-date-is-any-day-now belly?

i recoil. i jerk my head away.

even though it's what i'm looking for - almost what i'm expecting - i'm never prepared.

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i hate myself for this.

i don't want to be terrified of every pregnant woman i see.

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i can't even cope with the ttc-pregnancy-birth boards at glow right now. so many pregnant people. so many of them who started trying well after we started trying again.

i'd be lying if i said that that, in particular, didn't sting.

i don't begrudge anyone else their happiness. i'm just terrified it will never be me. that everyone else will move on, and that only i will be left.

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i'm actually ok on the blogs. if i know people are pregnant, i'm ok. i can offer love and hugs and support, and i mean them. please don't think i'm just offering lip service. if i comment, i mean it.

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i want to be pregnant so badly.

i long to be pregnant.

which is kind of ironic, given how terrified i would be to actually be pregnant right now.

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i hate this ugliness, carried inside me.

in about that spot where a baby should be.

15 comments:

Maddie said...

B - I don't hate you for this post. It's completely understandable that you feel like this and if the board is too much, stay away - there's no point making things more painful for yourself.

When I see pregnant women, I judge - if they're really young, I think it's not fair. If they've already got 2 or 3 kids, I think it's not fair. When I see people with babies, I think 'why did they get to keep their baby and I didn't'. It's not pretty either. Normally I try and tell myself that I don't know their story and they could have been through infertility, loss, etc. Somehow that makes it easier to cope with.

Maddie x

Kelly said...

You aren't alone. I know exactly how you feel. (((HUGS)))

mare said...

(o)

R. said...

I could have written this post.

Melissa said...

I totally understand this sort of feeling. Though I am not doing so bad right now, I have been really bad at it in the past.

You know what's freaking terrible though? Having a very pregnant person be the person you have to deal with at the funeral home with your DEAD BABY.

I literally shut down. I remember two things: 1. Staring at a calculator with one of those spring loaded covers for the screen and just obsessively fiddling with it the entire time. 2. As we were walking out, hauling off and kicking a tree as hard as I could.

(I'm sharing this to try to be humorous. You should laugh at the rage and the fury of a tiny crazy girl kicking trees. It's funny now.)

biojen said...

I'm sorry this is so hard on you. Try not to beat yourself up. What you are feeling is perfectly normal and all of the pregnant women that have had a loss understand. The ones that haven't should at least be sympathetic, if they are not, send them to me. I'll set them straight. The envy is hard. I can deal okay with pregnant bellies (I get mad but it doesn't show) but newborn boys - I run. Hugs to you - I hope it's your pregnant belly I have to avoid next year.

Miss Ruby said...

If anyone hates you for this post, then they've never been through anything similar to you or I or any of the other countless infertiles, so have no understanding how a simple pregnant belly can cause so much hurt.

I think getting your feelings down and out there is brilliant, it truly does help.

Big hugs

xx

B said...

maddie thank you so much. i was terrified i was going to upset you. thank you for understanding.

i do that telling myself they may have struggled too. i rationalise whatever i can. even if i see a pregnant woman smoking, i tell myself this is the first time she's given into the cravings and it'll be the last. i know it's usually a lie but... whatever helps us get through i guess.

i was going to reply to you all individually but all i want to say is thank you all SO MUCH for understanding and for being there.

hugs all round xx

B said...

(and melissa you did make me smile!)

Jenn said...

Aw, B, I totally get this. I look when I really ought not to. I look even though I know it will make me upset. It's totally normal, totally normal. It doesn't make any of us bad people to want something so badly, to be grieving little lives lost, to have emotions we wish we didn't. ((Hugs))

Illanare said...

I understand completely and am just the same. Before I read this post, I actually wrote a similar one.

Hugs, my friend.

Catherine W said...

Hmmm, I don't think I feel quite the same. I am kind of fascinated by pregnant people actually! Perhaps because my own pregnancies have been so brief and I'm just so curious as to how it feels. Also partly because I often feel that I will never fall pregnant again and I've kind of resigned myself?
I do have the occasional stab of envy though I have to say. Because I would like it to be me.
I don't know. I guess most things to do with pregnancy and childbirth just makes me feel very, very anxious. And they are subjects that are surprisingly hard to avoid.

B said...

thank you jenn and illanare for the understanding and the hugs.

catherine, i'm fascinated to, else i wouldn't look at all :s i think part of my problem is that i'm always really aware of not getting into anyone's personal space. i've never felt anyone's bump. i've never felt a kick. i don't have even the slightest tangential inkling what it's like. even when my mum was pregnant with my youngest sis i don't remember doing any of that. and i want to. and i want to know what it's like from both sides, inside and out.

but i don't.

and i believe i'll never know.

and i believe i'll never have a child that lives.

and all that goes through my brain in that split second.

and i have to look away.

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it sucks.

Tears in November said...

B I understand. I did the same thing, and continue to do it even now in my present state. Actually did so today while looking at at co-worker. Is she, isn't she?

These feelings exist and they have to come out or we would implode or explode. It is normal I think to feel this way. Fearing that a future that was taken from us will never come again. I so so understand.

B said...

thank you. it's kind of reassuring to hear that even being pregnant doesn't take it away. at least it's not just me being horrible; the pain's there anyway.

thank you.