Wednesday, 1 September 2010

because i am an idiot, i just clicked on an fb link to see why two of my friends were tagged in someone's photo album.

four of my friends are on maternity leave at the same time. they all took their kids to the park. the pics are up.

i should be there with them. with my baby.

it should be me. it should be me.

(i'm not upset. i just feel hollow.)

---

last night, i looked left and saw seven crows. then i looked right and saw a different seven crows. then i went round the corner and saw two.

what the fu.ck kind of omen is that??????????

---

i kind of feel like this month might be the month. i don't know why. i don't really have any proper evidence. and i'm not excited. if it is i'll just be terrified. and of course if is it i will once more have conceived in august and will have a due date in may. so i would be more glad to skip this month really.

going off the last few cycles my temp should start to drop tomorrow, though. so i guess we'll just see.

i cried in work this morning. i have to deal with the fact that work are starting to get slightly impatient. i can't really blame them. they have been more than patient.

i am so sick of being not-ok. i miss the old me. i wish i could go back. exist in my pre-grief life.

it was pretty damn good really.

14 comments:

Catherine W said...

I'm sorry B. Facebook is just so . . . . bloody tactless. It really is. It keeps giving me all these stupid adverts for pregnancy mediaid bands, to wear if you are pregnant but not showing yet. Drives me frickin' insane!

I don't know about all those crows. Isn't seven supposed to be lucky? I'd take it as a good omen.

I hope it is the month of you my dear although I know it would be difficult to go through the stages of your pregnancy again at the same times of year.

I hear you about work. I am just ick at work too. xo

B said...

i gave fb feedback about one of those pregnancy ads. i said 'it's really hurtful to see after losing a baby at 17 weeks last year'. had one more a few months later, did the same thing. haven't had any more. worth a try to write something similar?

seven crows (or magpies) = secret never to be told. so two secrets never to be told then joy.

?!???!?!?????

thank you hon xx

Illanare said...

(o)

biojen said...

I'm hope it's the month for you. I skipped this month, I just couldn't deal with having the exact same dates (same O date - how the hell?). I miss the old me, too. I was so happy. Hopefully we will all find a new normal and feel content someday.

Thinking of you.

Hanen said...

I second Catherine's thoughts about seven being lucky. Fingers crossed for you xxxh

mare said...

(o)

car said...

I miss the old me too. I have no idea how to be her again but I am pretty sure she wasn't a big pile of hurt with legs so I miss her.

FB is evil, but I can't stop torturing myself either.

I so hope that this is the month for you.

Jenn said...

I was never a big FB fan, but I just can't get on there anymore. It's for self preservation.

Have no idea about all those crows, but hoping it's a good omen!

B said...

thank you all.

jen what are the odds? that's crazy.

car i hope you can rediscover your old self one day too. and i'm glad i'm not the only one torturing myself.

xx

lis said...

i still cant figure it out, is it a hug? or a boobie?

and now mare is doing it too! i need answers!!

im so sorry B, all i can say is that yea, you should be there with them. and i wish you were. i always comfort myself by thinking that by the time i have my babies, all my friends (trust me, there aren't that many) will have had at least one and my baby will always be the "baby" of the group and win the favour of all.

sometimes i think too much. i quit FB about a year ago. best. decision. ever.

B said...

i replied to your other comment :) i love the way your mind works!! :)

i can't quit fb. i don't know why. i really wish i could. maybe torturing myself is just too.much.fun?

and i like that reasoning, i think.

.daily.amos. said...

I'm currently working on extracting myself from the shadows of blog-stocking/reading. So, hello fellow "I can't bring myself to look at pregnant women" person. I feel your pain.

Currently, my best friend is 16 weeks pregnant and I can't even talk to her without shutting off all emotional capacity and sounding like a robot, "Oh.Yes.Nausea.is.terrible.I hope.you.feel.better.soon." A coping mechanism, I think.

Also, my sister-in-law is very, very pregnant with a boy (why couldn't it have been a girl?). I haven't seen her the entire pregnancy...even pictures I avoid. With the impending birth right around the corner I am looking for reasons to not make the flight up to see them. I'll find them. Even if I have to look under every rock west of the Rocky Mountains. She even reads my blog, which means I can't even say anything about how I am feeling there.

I finally looked up the term Geordie. I've wondered about it for a couple of months now. A good history lesson. Thank you Wikipedia.

I apologize for the absurd length of my comment. I tend to prattle on sometimes.

I think Catherine is right about the 7 crows. It is supposed to be lucky in that particular numerical grouping. A sign of a secret or something spiritual.

-Brianna

B said...

thank you for saying hi, brianna :) it's always nice to meet new people.

i didn't see my best friend from february til july, all through the second half of her pregnancy. it was horrible. she was two months behind me, so when i lost my baby at 17 weeks she was... god, she was only 8 weeks. and especially after that i think she expected to lose her baby too. but she didn't. and i was ok with her at first; she was one of the few people who really understood what i was going through. and i freaked out when she had her 16 week appointment, terrified the same thing would happen to her. but it didn't.

so then i had to tell her that i could stay in touch with her, we could email and all that, but i couldn't bear to be in the same room as her, and see her bump, and know she was feeling her baby moving. and she understood. it really upset her, but i only found that out second hand - she was nothing but supportive of me and sent me emails regularly.

i was really glad to see her again. really really glad.

i hope the crows are lucky too.

thanks for coming by. x

Melanie said...

FB is really hard. Just yesterday, a friend who had her baby right before my first miscarriage posted something about her baby. It almost felt like she posted it to purposefully flaunt her good fortune and to hold my "inadequacies" over my head hurt, which of course is not true. But that's how deeply and personally I feel the sting of those status updates.

Interestingly, it only hurts that bad when it's a friend.