because i am an idiot, i just clicked on an fb link to see why two of my friends were tagged in someone's photo album.
four of my friends are on maternity leave at the same time. they all took their kids to the park. the pics are up.
i should be there with them. with my baby.
it should be me. it should be me.
(i'm not upset. i just feel hollow.)
last night, i looked left and saw seven crows. then i looked right and saw a different seven crows. then i went round the corner and saw two.
what the fu.ck kind of omen is that??????????
i kind of feel like this month might be the month. i don't know why. i don't really have any proper evidence. and i'm not excited. if it is i'll just be terrified. and of course if is it i will once more have conceived in august and will have a due date in may. so i would be more glad to skip this month really.
going off the last few cycles my temp should start to drop tomorrow, though. so i guess we'll just see.
i cried in work this morning. i have to deal with the fact that work are starting to get slightly impatient. i can't really blame them. they have been more than patient.
i am so sick of being not-ok. i miss the old me. i wish i could go back. exist in my pre-grief life.
it was pretty damn good really.