Thursday, 30 September 2010

a letter i'll never send

(and i just want to make this clear that this is written to real-life people; not anyone on the internet. if it wasn't for all you guys, i would have cracked up long ago.)

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hey, friends.

for once, i'm not going to ask how it's going.

i need to let you know.

that i'm struggling over here.

i'm finding it hard to carry on.

i'm finding it hard to keep smiling. to keep the grief on the inside.

*

you might wonder why i feel i need to keep the grief inside. it's because i don't have a valve. humans aren't designed with a valve to vent the pressure within.

instead, i need someone to ask me how i'm getting on. to really mean it. to look into my eyes and make me tell the truth. to sit with me while i cry. to make me cups of tea.

i need you to send me emails and text messages. to let me know that you haven't forgotten. to let me know that you still remember my loss. that you care.

i need you to put my dates into your diary. mid october; the anniversary of when the baby died. 25 november; the date we found out. 6 january; the date we went to the communal cremation. 6 may; the due date that remained empty. i don't need much. just an email or text. just so i know that i'm not the only person remembering.

i need it to be all about me. at least for a while. i don't need a terribly long time. even half an hour would help.

(fifteen minutes? hell, even just five.)

if you'll listen to me for those five minutes, really let me bare my grief and my pain? that's worth more than i can say.

and once that's out of the way - even if it's only been those five minutes - i will make it all about you.

hell we can even do it the other way round. talk about you first, then about me.

because at the minute, it seems like nothing is about me, and everything is about everyone else. and i feel like i'm about to break into pieces.

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one of my friends said today 'i'm sure your baby will be worth the wait'. and i know she meant it kindly. but it still stang.

i'm sure that if i'm ever lucky enough to have a baby that i will love it madly and beyond all reason. maybe even more so because of my loss.

but it will never erase the longing for the child that i lost.

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FFS. even on better off ted i'm not safe from random mentions of ultrasound pics.

6 comments:

Miss Ruby said...

Oh my friend - this letter, I've written letters like this [in my head] to friends, friends who in all honesty aren't really being friends because they never ask about MY life, MY problems, offer ME support - it's always about what's going on in THEIR life, THEIR problems, THEY need support.

I told my bestie about some of the issues I'm struggling to deal with the other day and she was shocked and insisted we catch up - I'm still waiting. You can now see why I don't even bother to TRY and offload on my friends.

I know real life friends are the ones we literally lean on but I have your dates committed to memory, they are written in my memory and in my diary so that I can offer you support on those days, so that I know, at least I'm doing all I can, to let you know I'm thinking of you, not forgetting and remembering along with you.

Big hugs my friend

xxx

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

Thinking of you. I struggle with this too. I don't have anything more profound than that to say.

lesliedp said...

It is so hard to explain to those who have never had a loss how we as bereaved need to be handle, cared for, loved and held up in our grief.

Wether you choose to send it or not I hope that writing this letter might give you some peace. WOrds often heal us regardless of the ears they fall up or they eyes they come across.

Thinking of you...
L

Illanare said...

I've written this letter in my head too, and (especially before finding the babyloss community online) often wished I had the courage to send it.

I hate to be "us and them" but still, people who haven't experienced losses like ours I think don't realise the depth of our bereavement. But we do and we are, all of us, here for you whenever you need.

And, as Miss Ruby says, we keep your dates with ours.

car said...

I could have written this letter too and I wouldn't be able to send it either.

B said...

thank you for reading and for remembering with me.