Thursday, 16 September 2010

My sister got married at the weekend.

I initially looked forward to it. Then I remembered that bridesmaids are high profile, and discovered that there would be six pregnant women there.

Then I got really quite nervous about the whole situation.

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But I had bracing time. And I raised my antidepressant dose (with my doctor's agreement). And I sat opposite a pregnant woman the night before the wedding and didn't freak out or get upset. And I talked to one of my sister's best friends (who is pregnant as well) on the morning and was OK.

And she was so happy. And they so obviously love each other. And I spent a lot of the day grinning.

And I was OK, really, until after the wedding breakfast, when the disco started. By then, my duties were over, and I was starting to get tired and sad.

And it wasn't until then that I started to think how different things could have been. Coulda woulda shoulda.

How I shouldn't have been able to be a bridesmaid, because I should have had a four month old baby.

How, after we lost the baby, my sister and my mum and I talked about what size dress I should get. Whether it should be a size or two up. How pregnant I would be by then.

Turns out, not pregnant at all. The dress was a little too big, even though I'm comfort eating like a demon.

So I lit an indoor sparkler and thought of the baby.

Something short-lived and beautiful that ends too soon.

And I wished things were different.

7 comments:

lis said...

hugs B, that must've been so hard.
xoxo

Helen B Cooper said...

I thought about you a lot this weekend and hoped that you had made it through the wedding without too much hurt, after the awful time at the hen do.

I remember joking with my best friend about how it was just as well she wasn't having bridesmaids at her wedding as I would be 7 months pregnant by then and they don't make bridesmaid dresses with 60" waists. As it turned out I was no longer pregnant by the time the wedding came around, and to add insult to injury I started spotting the morning of the wedding (after convincing myself that I was pregnant, like I did every month). I remember tears dropping down onto my posh dress as I ironed it.

It's weird being in the middle of such a happy event and being simultaneously thrilled for the happiness of the people you love yet simultaneously so sad that this wasn't the way the day was supposed to be.

The photos are lovely, and you looked lovely (and if you've been comfort eating then it doesn't show hon!).

It looked like a very special day :-)

Miss Ruby said...

I agree, if you've been comfort eating it most definitely doesn't show!

The pictures were gorgeous as were you and I too thought of you over the weekend, hoping that you'd be able to enjoy yourself a teeny tiny bit and not come across any hurdles [read: pregnant women] I see now that that wasn't the case but you seemed to handle it ok.

It's so unfair B, it really is and it's being proven to me each and every single day in new ways just how unfair it is.

xxx

Catherine W said...

You were in my thoughts this weekend and I'm glad that you managed to enjoy at least some of the wedding. I agree with the ladies above, you looked beautiful. A little comfort eating never did anyone any harm in my opinion.

I wish that things had been different. xo

mare said...

(o)

Illanare said...

(o)

B said...

thank you. i seem to spend a lot of time saying that but i mean it every single time.