Sunday, 5 September 2010

pros and cons

  • i can have a drink - or two - at my sister's upcoming wedding.

  • i can get that tattoo i've been planning.

  • i can take ibuprofen for the RSI that hasn't bothered me in nearly three years but has just decided to make a resurgence.

    similarly i can keep taking the herbal cough sweets that are the best things i've ever found for a cold, but that contain herbs that may or may not be safe in pregnancy (i'm sure it would say if they were dangerous but there's that tiny nugget of 'what if'). (also, i've had a really mild but very annoying cold now for about ten days. i wish it would bugger off and leave me alone.)

  • i won't have to deal with the echoes of 'conceived in august, due in may'.

  • i can keep going to classes and for a swim at the gym and try and get myself into a routine and a little bit healthier before conceiving.

  • when i meet Illanare and Miss Ruby in November (!!!!) the most pregnant i could possibly be would be two months, which hopefully they would be able to cope with. (because i know it's hard, even when it's one of us.)
  • it's now impossible for me to have a due date even just a little after my may 2009 due date. i will not have had a baby before the anniversary of my due date. that's incredibly hard to process.

    (i have a lovely friend (who i still hope will start blogging again one day...) who had a miscarriage in january 2008. she finally had her first baby in may 2009. when we were talking after i'd had my miscarriage i remember being shocked at how long that seemed and wondering how she had coped with it taking so long to get pregnant again - i know that compared to a lot of people that's no time, but still i knew, and she confirmed, that the seven months ttc again must have seemed like forever. and now we're over nine months past our loss, and still nothing.)

  • there will be six pregnant women at my sister's wedding. it might have helped, just a tiny bit, if i'd been pregnant.

    it wouldn't have made it easy, but it might have been just that tiny bit easier.

  • with my due date being may, i did worry about my child being young in the school year. and when we lost the baby i did think 'ah well chances are that we'll have a child who's older in the school year'. and yet now if we do conceive in the next three months we'll end up with a child who's one of the youngest. and the youngest ones do tend to do worse, at least at first.

  • i really thought i might be pregnant this month. really really. my chart was nicer. my temp stayed low when it should be low and high when it should be high. i went off caffeine. i was tired-er than i would have expected to be. i was actually starting to wonder how i would cope with the echo of dates. and i honestly believed - just for a couple of days - that i would have had faith in that pregnancy, that baby.

    i really believed it would have stuck around long enough for me to meet.

    shows how little i know, i guess.

  • ... we're not pregnant this month. again. i'm another month away from a living child. another sliver of my tiny store of optimism has been chiselled away. another month to stack up in the 'something's wrong and that cow at the fertility clinic doesn't care' pile.
of course, it doesn't really matter how many pros or cons there are. that last one trumps everything. i'm not pregnant. again.

i'm getting older. (one day older every 24 hours.) risk of miscarriage: increasing. risk of stillbirth: increasing. risk of multiples: increasing. risk of Down syndrome: increasing. risk of high blood pressure or diabetes in pregnancy: increasing. risk of interventions during labour: increasing.

risk of never frickin' getting pregnant at all?



Hanen said...

Oh B, so sad to hear this. I'm with you on the waiting - un-fucking-bearable. And yet, this is what we have to do - bear the unbearable. Fingers crossed for you, and sending lots of good wishes, xxxh

R. said...

I am so sorry for the list of cons. I wish I had some words of wisdom for how to cope, but I don't. hang in there, it just has to get easier.

Miss Ruby said...

Oh honey big hugs!!

Re being knocked up for when we meet - I know you're not going to be BUT you could be 9 months and ready to drop and I wouldn't care because YOU'D be pregnant and I'd be over the moon for you and honestly NOTHING will taint us three meeting up, I'm SOOOOOOO looking forward to it!!


Illanare said...

I'm with Miss Ruby, you could be ready to drop with a twin on each hip as well - I'd be (almost) as happy as if it were me.

Big hugs xx

Catherine W said...

Oh B. I wish I could give you a hug. Miss Ruby and Illanare will have to hug you for me, can you do that ladies?!

I make a similar little list of pros and cons. But you're right, there is always one major stinky con that I can't get rid of.

It would have been difficult to have an exact echo of your dates. I had a cycle which gave me the same due date as the girls a little while back and I felt a bit ambivalent about that one. Still would have been a nice problem to have eh?

J was born on the 26th of August and my little sister, another J, on the 30th of August so we are all about 'young in the school year' in our family. My sister did well at school at the way through. I'm thinking of getting J delayed if I can because my feeling is she simply won't be ready. But that is more to do with her prematurity than her ability. Don't worry about it.

I'm sorry. It is so sucky, this cycle of getting your hopes up and then crashing back down. I imagine every pregnancy symptom under the sun during the 2ww and always have at least a little part of me convinced that this will be the month. Then . . it isn't!

I also worry about my age but I had everything going for me the first time round at 28/29 and look at how well that worked medically speaking. Given that of my two pregnancies I've had a multiple birth and a miscarriage perhaps I should stop now! But all of those things are just risks. Yes the risks do increase with age but they are still just risks. Not guarantees that anything will go wrong. Just like being younger isn't any guarantee that things will go right. I know that is easy to say and hard to believe though.

Melanie said...


Thanks for your encouraging post on my blog. It really did make me feel better to hear that maybe I'm not a monster. I could definitely use some anger management, though.

And it looks like we are on the same schedule as my period came on Sun. Sept 5th as well. I thought it was implantation bleeding ... hoped it was ... But no dice.

So I bought TWO bottles of wine and have finished one and saving the other for whenever I need to drown my sorrows.

Thanks again for visiting my blog. I will be reading.
Best this cycle,

Jenn said...

B I hope it happens for you soon. It's so hard to wait for something you want so badly, for something you were so close to having and was torn from you. Wish I could do something to make it better for you. ((hugs))