- i can have a drink - or two - at my sister's upcoming wedding.
- i can get that tattoo i've been planning.
- i can take ibuprofen for the RSI that hasn't bothered me in nearly three years but has just decided to make a resurgence.
similarly i can keep taking the herbal cough sweets that are the best things i've ever found for a cold, but that contain herbs that may or may not be safe in pregnancy (i'm sure it would say if they were dangerous but there's that tiny nugget of 'what if'). (also, i've had a really mild but very annoying cold now for about ten days. i wish it would bugger off and leave me alone.)
- i won't have to deal with the echoes of 'conceived in august, due in may'.
- i can keep going to classes and for a swim at the gym and try and get myself into a routine and a little bit healthier before conceiving.
- when i meet Illanare and Miss Ruby in November (!!!!) the most pregnant i could possibly be would be two months, which hopefully they would be able to cope with. (because i know it's hard, even when it's one of us.)
- it's now impossible for me to have a due date even just a little after my may 2009 due date. i will not have had a baby before the anniversary of my due date. that's incredibly hard to process.
(i have a lovely friend (who i still hope will start blogging again one day...) who had a miscarriage in january 2008. she finally had her first baby in may 2009. when we were talking after i'd had my miscarriage i remember being shocked at how long that seemed and wondering how she had coped with it taking so long to get pregnant again - i know that compared to a lot of people that's no time, but still i knew, and she confirmed, that the seven months ttc again must have seemed like forever. and now we're over nine months past our loss, and still nothing.)
- there will be six pregnant women at my sister's wedding. it might have helped, just a tiny bit, if i'd been pregnant.
it wouldn't have made it easy, but it might have been just that tiny bit easier.
- with my due date being may, i did worry about my child being young in the school year. and when we lost the baby i did think 'ah well chances are that we'll have a child who's older in the school year'. and yet now if we do conceive in the next three months we'll end up with a child who's one of the youngest. and the youngest ones do tend to do worse, at least at first.
- i really thought i might be pregnant this month. really really. my chart was nicer. my temp stayed low when it should be low and high when it should be high. i went off caffeine. i was tired-er than i would have expected to be. i was actually starting to wonder how i would cope with the echo of dates. and i honestly believed - just for a couple of days - that i would have had faith in that pregnancy, that baby.
i really believed it would have stuck around long enough for me to meet.
shows how little i know, i guess.
- ... we're not pregnant this month. again. i'm another month away from a living child. another sliver of my tiny store of optimism has been chiselled away. another month to stack up in the 'something's wrong and that cow at the fertility clinic doesn't care' pile.
i'm getting older. (one day older every 24 hours.) risk of miscarriage: increasing. risk of stillbirth: increasing. risk of multiples: increasing. risk of Down syndrome: increasing. risk of high blood pressure or diabetes in pregnancy: increasing. risk of interventions during labour: increasing.
risk of never frickin' getting pregnant at all?