i've been particularly tired this last couple of weeks. i've been late to bed, but not that late. and i've been wondering why. i even took it to be a possible sign of pregnancy at the end of last week.
it just occurred to me earlier tonight that actually-maybe-possibly it's because the depression and the anxiety have been a little worse again recently. and they are things that can make a person tired. especially on top of having had a cold and having joined the gym and done a bit more exercise... not much, because of the cold and because i was away last weekend. but a little.
i feel a little silly that i didn't realise earlier. still, at least i can go to bed a bit earlier now i know, eh?
last year i registered to do a photography course with the open university. it started in october. i was pregnant and tired and a little nauseous. i didn't really do any work. in the end i withdrew. the next course was may, starting on my due date. obviously i couldn't register for that one!
except, i didn't have the baby. but i still couldn't have managed any work.
now the next course date is rapidly approaching. it starts 1 oct.
i'm thinking i might register.
i'm scared i'll get pregnant and miscarry and be too busy grieving to remember to withdraw and will lose my £190.
i'm scared i'll get pregnant and not miscarry and not have any grounds to withdraw but be too terrified to actually do any of the course.
i'm scared i won't be pregnant and will be a basket case of whining and crying and not manage to do any of the course.
i'm scared that ttc or pregnancy will mean that i don't learn as much as i should from the course - i know loads of people who've done it and all have loved it, and i don't want to waste the time.
i'm also scared that the holy grail* of ttc will take over my life and leave nothing remaining. and that wouldn't be good.
so maybe i'm going to try.
i have til 24th september to decide whether i'm going to register. please don't let me forget...?
* i started to type 'wholy grail' at first. that would be the all-consuming obsession version, i guess.