Wednesday, 22 September 2010

what did i lose?

the question has been bouncing round my head.

i lost a tiny creature. 55 millimeters long. two arms, two legs. nothing obvious wrong with it.

something that - given slightly different circumstances - might have grown into a baby. maybe even a child. a teenager, an adult.

my daughter, or my son.

but it wasn't a baby, was it? not really.

it had been. it was before we found out it was gone. to me. to my husband and my family.

i lost my status as a parent.

i don't think of myself as a mother. not any more.

i do think that when i was pregnant i was one. but not now.

(i hate that D and i can lie in at weekends. can buy dvds and books. i hate that i enjoy these things. they shouldn't be mine to enjoy.)

i lost my ability to believe that things will turn out for the best.

i lost my ability to believe that things can turn out for the best.

i lost an awful lot of friends.

(most of them i'm ok about having lost. but still.)

i lost my ability to bounce back. i lost my ability to shrug things off and fix things when they go wrong.

i lost the future. the one i'd planned.

i might have a baby again - i don't know yet - but it won't be the same future as the one i'd hoped for.

i lost my ability to talk to pregnant women like they are normal human beings. not because they're not, but because i'm not.

i know it's me that's the problem.

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i'm off sick again.

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i want to cry but i can't.

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i planted some snowdrop bulbs today. i told the baby that i will think of it when they flower. that i will always remember.

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i wish things were simpler.

i wish i believed there was any hope that 2011 would hold a baby for us.

if i get pregnant this month (and i don't believe for a second that will happen) my due date would be mid-June next year.

i am so fckng sick of this.

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this is my 100th post on this blog.

8 comments:

Helen said...

You've hit the nail on the head here ~ there's so much more attached to a loss than the simple facts of what happened.
I'm sorry you're off sick again :-(

Wish I knew something to say that could help you right now, but I'm thinking of you and sending lots and lots of love xxxxx

Illanare said...

I know that there is nothing I can say to make any of this any better. I am so, so sorry.

Thinking of you.

xxx

R. said...

Although I have not experienced the same loss, I have had the same feelings and they hurt. Thinking of you.

Catherine W said...

Oh B. The snowdrops will be beautiful. I'm sorry for all of the things you have lost. xo

Merry said...

You are quite right. Masses of things lost. It makes no difference how big a baby is when it dies - the hole in your heart doesn't have to be punched through by a big thing for your heart to just give up and stop working. 55mm of whopping great hole changes everything.

Wishing it could be different. I'm also hoping so hard for a June baby and knowing it probably won't happen.

Miss Ruby said...

Your first question punched me in the gut B. Guvnor has always said that you can't lose what you never had....it hurts every time he says it. That's his belief and he's entitled to it but it makes me feel guilty almost wrong for mourning my miscarriages...

I wish I could take away all your pain.

xx

.daily.amos. said...

B,

I'm so sorry. I know you lost so much more than just a pregnancy (Why is it that people love to categorize things like this as a lost pregnancy? As if that sums it all up as something not as terrible as it really is.)

It is hard to have so much taken away so quickly. It is exhausting. I understand your fatigue.

Lots of love.

-brianna

Jenn said...

B I wish there was something I could say that would make things easier for you, but I know there's not. Sending ((hugs)) your way and thinking of you.