what did i lose?
the question has been bouncing round my head.
i lost a tiny creature. 55 millimeters long. two arms, two legs. nothing obvious wrong with it.
something that - given slightly different circumstances - might have grown into a baby. maybe even a child. a teenager, an adult.
my daughter, or my son.
but it wasn't a baby, was it? not really.
it had been. it was before we found out it was gone. to me. to my husband and my family.
i lost my status as a parent.
i don't think of myself as a mother. not any more.
i do think that when i was pregnant i was one. but not now.
(i hate that D and i can lie in at weekends. can buy dvds and books. i hate that i enjoy these things. they shouldn't be mine to enjoy.)
i lost my ability to believe that things will turn out for the best.
i lost my ability to believe that things can turn out for the best.
i lost an awful lot of friends.
(most of them i'm ok about having lost. but still.)
i lost my ability to bounce back. i lost my ability to shrug things off and fix things when they go wrong.
i lost the future. the one i'd planned.
i might have a baby again - i don't know yet - but it won't be the same future as the one i'd hoped for.
i lost my ability to talk to pregnant women like they are normal human beings. not because they're not, but because i'm not.
i know it's me that's the problem.
i'm off sick again.
i want to cry but i can't.
i planted some snowdrop bulbs today. i told the baby that i will think of it when they flower. that i will always remember.
i wish things were simpler.
i wish i believed there was any hope that 2011 would hold a baby for us.
if i get pregnant this month (and i don't believe for a second that will happen) my due date would be mid-June next year.
i am so fckng sick of this.
this is my 100th post on this blog.