Saturday, 2 October 2010

another layer of crappiness

i've mentioned before that my best female friend had a baby in July, and that i couldn't bear to be around her for the entire second half of her pregnancy; we kept in touch via email and text but it was too painful to be in the same room as her.

she mentioned a few days ago that the baby will be christened towards the end of this year.

and that's ok. i'd have no issue with being there. i want to be there.

... except. the rest of the group of friends will be there. the one that i used to be a part of. the one that i have no interest in being part of again. the people that will come and talk to me if they see me.

i don't want to have to talk to them. because from my point of view the only thing i'd want to say is why did you all forget about me? and if you didn't forget about me, then why the fckng hell did you let me drop off the side of the world? why were the only emails i received emails about socialising, to be swiftly replaced by no emails when i said i wasn't up to meeting groups of people? where were the messages asking how i was doing?

to be fair, four of the group were varying degrees of supportive, and i have no problem with them.

but one sent two messages of sympathy via text message and then never contacted me again. one sent one via (InYour) and that was it.

three i never heard from at all.*

i am actually quite scared of bumping into these people. every so often when i'm in town i get nervous in case i see one of them. because i know myself. i'm not going to challenge them on their total neglect of me. but neither can i talk to them like everything's ok. i fear that if it happens and they say 'how are you?' i will turn hugely passive aggressive and say 'pretty terrible actually; suffering from anxiety and depression, not pregnant again yet, still full of grief and pain from the loss of my baby and dealing with the fact that a second baby will not heal my pain. how are you?' and all that with a big smile.

i'd kind of like to do that, but i think that more likely would be me blanching, saying as little as possible and running away at the first opportunity.

so - to get back to the point of this post - my friend will invite the group to the christening. why wouldn't she? it's not her that they've been neglecting.

so i'll have to make the choice either not to go at all; or to slink in at the last possible moment, and to run at the end.

it might be easier if D agrees to go - moral support and all that - but he wasn't exactly known for his willingness to go to christenings before all this happened. before a large proportion of my 'friends' left me to deal with this on my own. i suspect he would have no problem at all in telling them how terribly they neglected me. and while i don't honestly care if he does, i don't think my friend's baby's christening would be the right time to do it.

just another layer of the ways in which this sucks.

*(one of those had a miscarriage a few months after me. i sent a card and emailed her maybe four times during the next few months, letting her know i was thinking of her and that i was there if she needed to talk to someone. i never had a reply. i hope she did appreciate the emails, but i feel kind of stupid for sending them.)


R. said...

Wouldn't it be awesome if we could really tell people exactly how shitty we are feeling? I wish you strength.

Miss Ruby said...

NEVER feel stupid for offering support of ANY kind to ANYONE. Those emails you sent may have been the only kind words she read that day, that week and even though she didn't reply, it may have been just what she needed at that moment, to know someone else was thinking about her, about her loss.

As for your "friends" - I too have had "friends" like these, in fact still do and it's their behaviour and lack of care factor which lies behind my decision to keep my problems and issues to myself. Sharing with them will not help me in any way, so I don't anymore. I've also been known to tell "friends" that their input and lack of effort into our friendship makes me not really care if our friendship is maintained and that, that's down to them.

I don't pull any punches anymore, life's too short too put up with friends who do nothing but take in a friendships, they're too way streets.

Big hugs


Miss Ruby said...

*two way streets - can't you tell I didn't get much sleep last night!


B said...

oh god R, it so would.

thank you miss ruby. i hope she did appreciate the emails. and i wish your 'friends' treated you better!