everything seems to be conspiring against me right now. i still can't get logged into my sodding savings account, and my front tooth broke again today for the third time in twelve days, and i found out yesterday that the full-pay section of my sick leave is about to expire, sending me onto half pay and us on a rapid road to financial destruction.
the thing about my sick pay would be irrelevant if i knew this pregnancy was viable - i will hopefully have a scan before it happens and if everything is ok then i'll go back to work, and everything is fine. the problem is if everything isn't ok.
the thought makes me feel sick. makes me want to curl up into a gibbering ball on my sofa.
but i am five weeks today. five weeks. that's all. i'm not having any symptoms. i'm not feeling sick. i've not got sensitive bo.obs. (shouldn't i have sensitive bo.obs by now?) i'm not having weird tastes or smelling weird smells.
i know i'm lucky to be here at all. i know this is what i've spent nearly the last year absolutely desperate for. i know that i have to go through all this if i want even a hope of having a baby. but...
it's just that right now i don't think this is the one.
i just hope i'm wrong.
i'm only seeing single crows and magpies again.
i'm so scared of losing this chance at a baby.