Friday, 22 October 2010

everything seems to be conspiring against me right now. i still can't get logged into my sodding savings account, and my front tooth broke again today for the third time in twelve days, and i found out yesterday that the full-pay section of my sick leave is about to expire, sending me onto half pay and us on a rapid road to financial destruction.

the thing about my sick pay would be irrelevant if i knew this pregnancy was viable - i will hopefully have a scan before it happens and if everything is ok then i'll go back to work, and everything is fine. the problem is if everything isn't ok.

the thought makes me feel sick. makes me want to curl up into a gibbering ball on my sofa.

but i am five weeks today. five weeks. that's all. i'm not having any symptoms. i'm not feeling sick. i've not got sensitive bo.obs. (shouldn't i have sensitive bo.obs by now?) i'm not having weird tastes or smelling weird smells.

i know i'm lucky to be here at all. i know this is what i've spent nearly the last year absolutely desperate for. i know that i have to go through all this if i want even a hope of having a baby. but...

it's just that right now i don't think this is the one.


i just hope i'm wrong.


i'm only seeing single crows and magpies again.

i'm so scared of losing this chance at a baby.


Catherine W said...

Oh B. Please try not to worry although I know it is hard. I don't think I had any symptoms at five weeks in my first pregnancy and I was expecting twins so I wouldn't read too much in to that. Some people never get any at all. My mum said the only pregnancy symptoms she had with me was fancying a jam doughnut slightly more than she usually did!

If you see a single magpie, you just have to say "hello mister magpie" three times and their bad luck is useless. You know that right?!

Angela said...

I wish I could take away the worry, B. 5 weeks is awfully early to be having symptoms. And every pregnancy is different so the symptoms you had last time may not show up this time. Six weeks is usually when the symptoms kick in, but for a lucky few they never kick in. Thinking of you & wishing the worry away.

trousers said...

Hang on in there.

Obvious advice I know, but I never can find the best words. Thinking of you.

Helen said...

Oh sweetheart. Wish I could take the worry away for you too.

I actually didn't have any symptoms at 5 weeks I was still doing step aerobics and so on. It wasn't until a few weeks later the sickness came (and never left). As Trousers says, hang in there.


PS I was told to salute a single magpie and it would get rid of the 'bad luck'!

azmamma said...

hang in there! Sending thoughts and prayers your way!

Jenn said...

I hope you're wrong, too. It's so hard to be positive after losing a baby, it's normal, your fears are normal, and I've got everything crossed and am sending up prayers that you'll have a healthy baby this summer. Hugs.

R. said...

I know it is easier said than done, but try and enjoy the moment. I so hope this is the pregnancy that brings you a baby. When's your ultrasound?

Illanare said...

What Angela said.
Thinking of you, my friend xx

biojen said...

Oh, B, I wish I could stop by and bring you some tea. I can't say it will be okay, I wish I could. But don't freak yourself out. I never got any symptoms before 6 weeks and most of the friends I have were the same. Deep breaths, we'll be here abiding with you.

livemotionally said...

I didn't even realize I was pregnant at 5 weeks with either child (and my loss was not early so that doesn't factor).

I would like to say congratulations for making it this far, though, without any pressure added. You are right when you say you have to go through this uncertainty if you want to have another baby. It's part of the battle.

You will get to where you need to be. Just remember that.

Thanks for prompting me to write a little something again, btw. I'm surprised at the resilience of the relationships I made after my loss. You're still here :).

Miss Ruby said...

I wish I had some profound words to say that would make everything all ok but I don't and I don't want to keep repeating the same things I've already said.

So just know that I'm reading and that I'm here - no matter what.