Sunday, 24 October 2010

i got past yesterday - a year since the baby died - without really noticing.

i think it's mostly just hard to believe. that i was pregnant. that it really happened. that i was pregnant with a baby that was alive. that died.

i miss it. i miss my little lost one. but it doesn't seem like something that really happened.

---

i saw my gp on wednesday. i told her that i'd been worried about miscarriage; specifically ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy and blighted ovum. that i'd been having some occasional abdominal pains. i was crying on and off anyway. but then she said she wanted to examine me.

my gp's room is the room i was in for my final midwife appointment. the one where she couldn't find the heartbeat. i've been in there so many times since that i'm not so sensitive about the room anymore.

but this time i had to lay down on the same bed, in the same room. i cried. i couldn't even bring myself to tell her why.

i want this to be real. i want this pregnancy to end in a healthy, living full-term baby. but i'm so scared it won't.

and i'm so sorry that i keep repeating myself. i know it must be a little tedious. but hopefully i'll stop soon.

---

hopefully we'll see my midwife on wednesday.

8 comments:

Kelly said...

All the feelings that you described are so normal, given the horrific, painful experience you had. Try as best you can to remember that this pregnancy isn't any other pregnancy. (((HUGS))) to you for being such a good mother...for loving and missing her angel and loving her little bean, too.

Merry said...

The trouble is, you are surrounded with people with dead babies without the good experience some of us have to help you know you've gone through something relatively rare. Most pregnancies DON'T end in dead babies. I wish I could wave a wand to help you know that.

Lots of love.

Illanare said...

(o)

Catherine W said...

Oh B. I'm so sorry. Yesterday must have been difficult for you. Sometimes I'm also overcome by that strange sense of unreality. It all seems too strange to have actually happened.

I'm with Merry. It does usually go well. It truly does. What you have been through, what I've been through, what many of us here have been through, is something unusual.

I'm so sorry that you ended up back on that same bed in the same room. That must have been heartbreaking.

Very best of luck for your midwife appointment on Wednesday, I'll be thinking of you and your little one and remembering your precious Snowflake. xo

Miss Ruby said...

Here's hoping your midwife appt goes well hon.

I will say though that I don't believe what you and others and I have been through is unusual, in fact if anything it's unfortunately becoming more common.

Big hugs

xxx

mare said...

(o)

Hope's Mama said...

Sending much love. I know this can't be easy.
xo

sarah said...

I don't think you have to apologize for repeating yourself, or for feeling this way, now, or in a week, or in several weeks, or months, or years. I think it's ok to have these feelings, these questions, these worries. I know I will if ever I am blessed with a pregnancy in the future...and I also think it's okay to have a lot of hope, a lot of excitement, in the midst of that fear.

all of that said, I am still sending love and wishes for peace. and health. and good news from all your appointments.

sarah