i got past yesterday - a year since the baby died - without really noticing.
i think it's mostly just hard to believe. that i was pregnant. that it really happened. that i was pregnant with a baby that was alive. that died.
i miss it. i miss my little lost one. but it doesn't seem like something that really happened.
i saw my gp on wednesday. i told her that i'd been worried about miscarriage; specifically ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy and blighted ovum. that i'd been having some occasional abdominal pains. i was crying on and off anyway. but then she said she wanted to examine me.
my gp's room is the room i was in for my final midwife appointment. the one where she couldn't find the heartbeat. i've been in there so many times since that i'm not so sensitive about the room anymore.
but this time i had to lay down on the same bed, in the same room. i cried. i couldn't even bring myself to tell her why.
i want this to be real. i want this pregnancy to end in a healthy, living full-term baby. but i'm so scared it won't.
and i'm so sorry that i keep repeating myself. i know it must be a little tedious. but hopefully i'll stop soon.
hopefully we'll see my midwife on wednesday.