last night (by which i mean friday night; it's past midnight now) i remembered something, and it gave me an unpleasant little jolt.
i realised it was 1st october, and that that meant we're approaching the anniversary of my first scan, the scan where everything was ok. and for a second, i remembered being at that scan.
and it made me jump. because i remembered watching the baby move on the screen. i remembered how it wouldn't keep still for the woman to take her measurements, to make sure everything was ok.
i remembered D and i joking that if it wouldn't keep still, it was definitely my baby.
and it was really unnerving. because in all the memories, i think that part had got lost. the part where my baby was alive. the part where it moved and we watched it, fascinated and amused.
i think i'd got caught up in the part where it was dead. still and unmoving.
funny how the alive bit gets forgotten and covered up by the death part.