Sunday, 3 October 2010

i made it to the ceremonycemetery today.


last night (by which i mean friday night; it's past midnight now) i remembered something, and it gave me an unpleasant little jolt.

i realised it was 1st october, and that that meant we're approaching the anniversary of my first scan, the scan where everything was ok. and for a second, i remembered being at that scan.

and it made me jump. because i remembered watching the baby move on the screen. i remembered how it wouldn't keep still for the woman to take her measurements, to make sure everything was ok.

i remembered D and i joking that if it wouldn't keep still, it was definitely my baby.

and it was really unnerving. because in all the memories, i think that part had got lost. the part where my baby was alive. the part where it moved and we watched it, fascinated and amused.

i think i'd got caught up in the part where it was dead. still and unmoving.

funny how the alive bit gets forgotten and covered up by the death part.


Miss Ruby said...

That's because it's the death part that has had the most profound affect on you & your life.

However the happy part is and always will still be there and I'm SO glad that you remembered it. That you remembered that once you had a living, growing baby inside you, that you saw it's heart beat, you saw it move - I know that it was so cruelly taken away from you but THAT memory never can be, THAT moment, THOSE images, will be with you forever, stored in your mind, your heart, grasped by your soul until the day you die.

It sounds ridiculous to say but that my friend I am jealous of. For that is something I have never seen, no movement, not even a heartbeat or a scan.

When it all gets too much, stop and think of that moment where you saw your baby, you saw it move, remember THAT memory, it won't take the pain away, it won't make it all better but it will mix the happy with the sad.

Much love my friend


biojen said...

Ditto what Miss Ruby said, and it is eerie that you posted this now. I was just about to post something similar. I'm glad you have a happy memory to hold on to, those are really hard to come by when all you can see is the hole left in your life. I hope the next few months are not too hard on you. I can't believe we are closer to a year than our due dates. It seems so long ago and just yesterday. Thank you for holding my hand all this time.

biojen said...

Finally - the bug that wasn't letting me comment seems to have worked itself out. Hopefully I'll be around more now.

Sarah H (from Glow) said...

I know that feeling well. Try to hold onto to the living part. The death part is just so overwhelming and steals from what we should celebrate.

Or I'm just talking out of my ass. Either way, I'm wishing you peace.


car said...

It is crappy how the alive bit gets covered up by the dead part. My DH has a very hard time because I "had" the alive part and he only has the dead. Hope you can hold onto some of those alive bits when the death gets to be too much to handle.

Illanare said...

What everyone else has said.

I have similar memories too. I don't take them out often but they are there for when I need to really know that I had (and so always will have) living children.

Sending many hugs to you, my friend.

Kelly said...

I don't know if I could think of anything better to offer other than what has already been said, but I still wanted to give you (((HUGS)))

brianna said...

Yes! The living part is eclipsed by the death part. I hate that so much. Just another part of how wrong all this is.

Catherine W said...

I can't say it better than everyone else already has. Miss Ruby, you've made me cry. I hope you can hold on to those wonderful memories of your little snowflake moving around.

Strangely I've just read Jen's post and your post back to back by some strange co-incidence. Both beautiful and they complement each other.

Jenn said...

Awful how the dead bit covers up the alive bit. Hate it, hate it, hate it. Hate It.

B said...

i'm so glad you all understand.

miss r, i can completely understand the jealousy. i am jealous of those who lost babies later in pregnancy than me. this started a row on glowinthewoods a while back; it wasn't understood. but i wanted more time. i wanted to feel my baby kicking. i wanted to be able to hold it.

i wouldn't wish it being born in pain, not at all. but i'm jealous of those who had more time with their babies.