Tuesday, 19 October 2010

i went round to a friend's house at the weekend. i told her i was pregnant. she was thrilled. too thrilled, if anything. she doesn't seem to understand that nothing is guaranteed. she told me she's not going to put her maternity clothes in the loft, so i can have them. she told me that if we find out we're having a girl, she'll keep the things from her baby for us.

i'm four weeks pregnant, people.

this is especially hard to hear from a girl who thought right the way through to the end of her pregnancy that something was going to go wrong. i thought i could rely on her to keep things low-key. i mean, i didn't want her to pretend that the news was nothing, but i thought she would at least acknowledge that i'm scared.

ah well. that's not what i came here to talk about.

when i was going i asked her to keep it under her hat. and she said yes, of course. i told her that i would tell three of our friends after we have a scan and know what's going on, and that at some point she could tell the rest of the group that used to be my friends. if they're still interested, i said.

i said that because... well. because none of them have contacted me. because they have let me drop off the edge of the world. they have given me no indication that they still remember what happened to me. that i lost my baby. that in the space of a couple of hours i went from pregnant and excited and with every reason to believe everything was ok, to having my dreams entirely shattered. a good number of my 'friends' just haven't acknowledged that at all.

but my friend heard me differently. of course they'll be interested, she said. they're not angry with you or anything.

What. The. Fcking. Fuck?????????????

what have i done for them to be angry with me for? NOTHING. their lives have been carrying on as normal, while i've been sitting here wondering if they will ever remember me. send me a message. let me know they're thinking of me.

yes, i haven't been in touch; but i'm the one that's been grieving over here. i'm the one who's been suffering from anxiety and depression. i'm the one who you hurt so, so badly by your careless facebook posts, showing off your perfect lives.

but she's not the one i'm angry with. she's the one that's been there for me, who's understood. much as i want to lash out, she's not the one who has hurt me.

she mentioned getting the baby christened again. i told her that i'd almost certainly be slipping in at the last minute and slipping out the minute it finished. but i don't think she understood, because after that she said that she knew D wasn't up for church things but that he was welcome to join the drinking part afterwards. D is even less likely to be civil than me. the people who have hurt me, he wasn't over fond of in the first place. and if i slip out the minute it finishes, then i won't be staying for drinks, will i?

i don't honestly miss these people. it's hard that my best friend is still close to them. i wish i could just forget they exist, but i can't.


i want to find some women who are pregnant after a second trimester loss who live nearby. i'm not sure how to go about finding them. i think i'm going to ask my midwife, but if anyone has any ideas about how to find any that would be really, really good.


Miss Ruby said...

I think it's lovely that your friend is so positive about your pregnancy that she wants to save maternity clothes and baby clothes for you!!

Yup, it's fine, you can hate me, the glass half full gal, most things I'm the glass half empty gal but with this, it's half full.

As for your friends - I use that term very very loosely because imo they aren't and they would have no place in my life ever again if they weren't there for me at one of my greatest times of need.

I'd ask your midwife re finding women in similar circumstances to you and also perhaps a local fertility centre?


Sue said...


mare said...


Illanare said...


Merry said...

I have masses of sympathy for all that you've written but no ability to think of anything useful to say... so... in the interests of making you laugh, I'm just checking...

You have STOPPED!!!!!!!.. haven't you? ;)

Helen said...

Hi b,

The Miscarriage association may be able to help you with the contact thingy ~ they put me in touch with someone local after my m/c, and if you explained your circs they might know of someone with 2nd trimester loss experience.


Hanen said...

Hi B, Don't know how I missed your news, but lots of cautious congrats from this quarter.

I think it is fair enough for you to feel angry, and fair enough to want to have some time with other women who've been through what you've been through. We're in Australia and our local SANDS (stillbirth and neonatal death support) group has been really good. I think they have groups in the UK too. Sending lots of good wishes xxh

cullensblessings said...

B- I completely understand what it must have felt like to get that reaction from your friend. I am sorry it hit the way that it did. Personally I have banned facebook from my life. Way too much drama, fake-ness (I know it isn't a word) and happy facades for me. I started my boycott after someone posted on my wall "Hey Les. How are you?" I almost replied with the f bomb. No reason for it- just the fact that we had not talked since last year and I really didn't give a crap about talking now.

So my point is... I get it.
and FB sucks.
Rant over.

therootofallevel said...

you need to calm down and remember YOU ARE PREGNANT! it's okay to scared and the lot, …it's part of the deal.



car said...

I agree with Miss Ruby, people who aren't there for you aren't worth worrying about (now if only I could take that advice myself).

And yes, I still want to get comments from you. Being pregnant doesn't erase what you have gone through since you lost your snowflake.

Catherine W said...

Ah Merry you made me laugh!

It's so difficult with friends, or people-who-you-thought-were-good-friends-but-turned-out-not-to-be-such-good-friends-as-you-thought. Good to know that they're not angry with you anyhow(with heavy sarcasm). Glad that your best friend has been more supportive and understanding.

Just a thought, have you tried the SANDS messageboard. I'm part of the first tri group there at the moment but you might be able to find someone there? I know that the charity name might seem to exclude second trimester miscarriages but there a lot of us ladies on there, including myself. Shame I don't live a bit closer to Newcastle :(

Jenn said...

Ah, people's reactions. Honestly, I don't think there is anything anybody could say or do that would not bother me in some way. Somebody is overjoyed at my news? Hah, don't they know this whole pregnancy thing doesn't = baby? Low key and not overjoyed? My feelings would probably be hurt. Eh, I am impossible to please right now.

I'm sorry about your friends and that they obviously do not understand what you have been going through since your loss. Not only that, but haven't bothered to try and find out.

Hugs, B, I hope you can locate some women in similar situations, I'd love to be able to do that, too.