because i was up so late last night, i didn't make it to the cemetery this morning. oh, the irony.
and this afternoon it's pouring with rain. and i want to be able to sit there. just sit, and be.
but the seat will be wet. i wouldn't mind if i'd sat down and then it had started to rain, but i don't want to do it this way round.
maybe if i didn't have to get two buses to get there i'd do it anyway. but i guess i can wait until monday.
i'm so tired. not just from the lack of sleep. from the amount of time i've been spending with people. i need a break. i need some solitude.
i still don't really know what i want to take to the snowdrop garden. i kind of want to take a white cyclamen, with some snowdrop bulbs in the same pot. but i'm kind of scared it would die.
i kind of feel like i've isolated myself from a lot of good people. some who have even had miscarriages in the past, so who understand to some degree at least. i don't want to throw friendships away. i don't want to refuse to associate with people who are not part of the ALI world.
but i kind of feel like i've lost the thing we had in common. i kind of feel that the connection has already gone. and i kind of hate myself for letting that happen.
but i can barely keep up with the babylost world. and i'm not writing so i have nothing keeping me connected to the writing world any more.
which sucks. i met some lovely people because of writing.
but i don't know if i'll ever go back to wanting to write fiction.
it's not fair.
i still miss my baby. more than i can say.
in 18 days it will be a year since we had the first scan.
four days after that will be the anniversary of our baby's death.
five weeks and four days after that it will be a year since we found out about that death, weeks earlier.
six or so weeks after that is the anniversary of the communal cremation service.
i know i said all this last night, but i need to say it again. to persuade myself that it's really real.
how the fckng fck can it be a YEAR?
i miss my baby. so, so much.