Friday, 1 October 2010

the irony

because i was up so late last night, i didn't make it to the cemetery this morning. oh, the irony.

and this afternoon it's pouring with rain. and i want to be able to sit there. just sit, and be.

but the seat will be wet. i wouldn't mind if i'd sat down and then it had started to rain, but i don't want to do it this way round.

maybe if i didn't have to get two buses to get there i'd do it anyway. but i guess i can wait until monday.

i'm so tired. not just from the lack of sleep. from the amount of time i've been spending with people. i need a break. i need some solitude.

i still don't really know what i want to take to the snowdrop garden. i kind of want to take a white cyclamen, with some snowdrop bulbs in the same pot. but i'm kind of scared it would die.

i kind of feel like i've isolated myself from a lot of good people. some who have even had miscarriages in the past, so who understand to some degree at least. i don't want to throw friendships away. i don't want to refuse to associate with people who are not part of the ALI world.

but i kind of feel like i've lost the thing we had in common. i kind of feel that the connection has already gone. and i kind of hate myself for letting that happen.

but i can barely keep up with the babylost world. and i'm not writing so i have nothing keeping me connected to the writing world any more.

which sucks. i met some lovely people because of writing.

but i don't know if i'll ever go back to wanting to write fiction.

it's not fair.


i still miss my baby. more than i can say.

in 18 days it will be a year since we had the first scan.

four days after that will be the anniversary of our baby's death.

five weeks and four days after that it will be a year since we found out about that death, weeks earlier.

six or so weeks after that is the anniversary of the communal cremation service.

i know i said all this last night, but i need to say it again. to persuade myself that it's really real.

how the fckng fck can it be a YEAR?

i miss my baby. so, so much.


Miss Ruby said...

Oh B, these posts are tearing MY heart apart so I can only imagine how you're feeling, coping [not coping].

They say that time passes when you're having fun but I think it flies when you least want it to eg in times like these. I remember my next to last miscarriage, the year flew by after it and I found myself a year later facing the EXACT same fate of another pregnancy, literally almost to the day and I remember thinking, how can we be here again, it felt like only yesterday that we mourned the loss of the last pregnancy and now we're doing the same to another?!?

I wish I had answers for you but more than that I wish I had a way to take the pain away and make it all right again for you.


Hanen said...

Oh B, sending lots of love and hoping the rain eases up for you. Even if you are not writing much know, know that that part of you is still there, and have faith that you will write when you need to write. xxxh

mare said...


Catherine W said...

I'm so sorry B. It's raining here too and I think I know what you mean. I would rather sit down first and be rained on than the other way around.

Cyclamen are beautiful. I was also worried about G's rose dying but it is still here. A year later. A year is such an age and nothing at all. All at once.

Thinking of you and your precious little snowflake over the coming days.

brianna said...

I am hoping that the rain will clear up soon and you will be able to make your trip out to the cemetery.

R. said...

So sorry

Rebecca Stonebridge said...

I'm sending you so many hugs right now.

I know we met through the writing thing, and we may have drifted due to neither of us writing but we'll always be friends. You've offered me some lovely advice about various things and I only wish I could do the same but I can't - always scared I'm going to say the wrong thing. But I'm here for you! Like you were for me, the morning of the NR meet in London, remember? You offered me the use of your shower! Much needed after my long journey!

car said...

B, there are no words that I can say that will help. Just know that I am thinking of you and hoping you get the garden soon.

Helen said...

B I just want to scoop you up and make every thing better for you. How I wish I could. I've never experienced what you sadly have, but I have experienced the extreme sadness and I know I isolated myself from many people at the time. I don't want to say something trite like it won't be forever, time's a healer etc etc becuase right now it sucks. Really really sucks and you can't even think about a few months time when things *might* feel better again. I don't know what would have helped me when I was covered by the darkness except for people to say they understood, they're being patient and they're going to be there when I need them. So I am. I'm here whenever you need me.

Wish I could see you in real life to show you that and to listen. xx

Helen said...

B, I wish I had some magic words that could make t all seem better but I haven't :-(

I'm sorry the anniversaries are looming. I've been thinking about you as we approach November and I really hope that once that first anniversary is over with things might get a bit easier. I read somewhere that getting past the first year of significant dates get easier, because "this time last year..." or "today we should have been...." doesn't play on a loop in your head so much. For me it did get easier after the first set of dates was over and done with, and I truly hope it does for you too.
Thinking of you a lot at the mo, sweetheart. Are you free wednesdays? We could try and arrange a lunch meet-up soon?