Saturday, 16 October 2010

news

october is here again. tuesday next week marks one year since our twelve-week scan. one year since we sat in the darkened room, laughing and watching as our baby moved around, leaping and dancing and refusing to keep still.

and yet. and yet. only four days later, it was all over. the baby was dead.

we wouldn't find out for more than four weeks after its death.

23rd october will be a hard, hard day to get through.

---

ttc after loss is hard. the longing, the desperation to have back what has been lost. the desolation as you start to realise that even if you get pregnant again, you will never get that lost baby back. (it seems obvious, but it took me a while to figure that out. i thought that getting pregnant again would somehow erase my loss. would fix me. if only it was that simple.)

the sense of failure every month has left me utterly desolate at times.

over the last ten months, various people tried to tell me - some gently, some not - that maybe trying again immediately wasn't the best idea. that maybe we should wait a little longer. until i was somewhat out of the deepest, darkest part of the land of grief. but i couldn't have waited. i needed to know that there was hope. i needed to know that one day i would carry a child to term and have it live. i needed this, even though i know that there are no guarantees. i know that even getting to 40 weeks without a single glitch doesn't guarantee you anything at all.

ttc after loss is hard. especially when you're so very aware of the march of time. each month it's not just one egg that is wasted; it's many. each month puts me another month closer to 35; it's not that long until my birthday. some months the arrival of my period has felt like losing my baby all over again.

at the end of september i saw someone who drew the tears out of me that i had pretended were no longer there. she looked at me, concerned, and said that she thought i should not be trying to conceive. said she thought i should be grieving the baby i had lost, and looking after myself.

and i didn't really believe her, but i was somehow more willing to listen to this woman than anyone else.

but her words got into my brain. and as the tears and anger returned, i actually realised that i was ambivalent about conceiving that cycle. i had started to realise that yes, maybe time to grieve and to cry before pregnancy was a good idea.

a little part of my brain heard my thoughts, and it said:

woohoo! this, the month you don't want to get pregnant, will be the month you do!

the rest of my brain was mad. it urged that part of my brain to go away and leave me alone. and although a tiny part of me did actually hope that the prediction would come true, most of me just wanted a few more weeks to wallow in my sorrow.

---

(un)fortunately (take your pick, i'm not sure) fate does indeed have a twisted sense of humour.

i did a pregnancy test last sunday.

it was positive.

i'm pregnant.

(i understand if you need to stop reading. i've been there. it sucks. but no need to keep reading when it hurts. i don't want anyone to hurt because of me.)

four weeks, one day.

and although i am more terrified than i can say, i feel different.

i'm not scared to put my hand on my belly. i never did that last time. i felt like it would be an affectation. i wanted it to be natural. so i never did it.

i want to buy stuff. i never bought anything last time. i have already bought this one a rattle. even if it doesn't stick, it will be a hand-me-down for [please, please] the next one.

i can sometimes imagine myself with a bump. last time, i never did.

i can almost imagine myself with a baby.

---

it's nearly 12 months after the first baby died.

it kind of seems right. not quite a year since the baby died. it almost feels like it has stayed 12 months, to make sure we're ok, and is preparing to leave now the next spirit has arrived.

---

there are no guarantees. like i say, i'm terrified. i have tested every day; all have been positive. i need to know it's still there. i am terrified. of chemical pregnancy; early miscarriage; late miscarriage; poor prenatal diagnosis; stillbirth, neonatal death.

and that's just the main categories. and that doesn't even count all the things i'm scared of once a baby is actually born.

but i'm hopeful. the exact ratio of terror to excitement varies from day to day. but both are constant companions.

love to you all, whether you're ttc, pregnant, or parenting after loss, or whether you are a friend who just wants to know what's going on in my world. and if this news makes my blog too hard to read, that's fine. if you'd rather i stopped commenting on your blog too, please do let me know. i can take it, i promise.

oh. and if you know me in the real world, this news is confidential. please don't blab.

25 comments:

Frustrated Fairy said...

Congratulations! I know how terrifying it is too though, so good luck!!

Illanare said...

I am so happy for you! Love and hugs xx

therootofallevel said...

it's about damn time :)

(no, but really --- so excited for you both. cannot wait to follow you on this neck of the journey.)

C.A. Marshall said...

So excited! Wish you all good thoughts!

xoxo

Cassandra

Rebecca Stonebridge said...

I've just burst into tears at this news! I'm so very happy for you! I wish you all the luck in the world!

Hugs, xxx

Hope's Mama said...

Much love to you. Lovely news.
xo

trousers said...

This ever so slightly took my breath away - not so much the news itself (and my cautious but totally, utterly heartfelt congratulations about that) - but the way you have broadcast it, full of the residue of the last twelve months.

I can't put into words just how much my best wishes and my hopes are with you. But they are. They really, really are. xx

I kid you not, the word verification is readines

Angela said...

I'm thrilled. I know the terror is there, hovering in the background, but so happy there is anticipation too. Will be here for you every moment, every breath of this journey. Sending hope, love and peace to you.

Miss Ruby said...

Just pure Congratulations, I will leave it at that.

xx

brianna said...

Oh goodness, I am sending you as much positive thoughts and energy as is possible.

Congratulations:)

cullensblessings said...

B I am so happy for you. I hope and pray that you will bring this sweet life home into your arms in nine months.
I am here with you and am walking in your story.
And of course- I am sending you all the love and grace I can- for all three of you.
Leslie

mare said...

Oh B... Congratulations! Your post was very moving, I have tears in my eyes for your first baby, for your second baby, and for you. I will be right here, reading as much as you care to share.

xo

lis said...

just a reminder that you are supposed to be terrified/elated/anticipating/scared shitless...oh, and don't be surprised if you're feeling all of those at once :) it's no wonder that pregnant women are so exhausted all the time!

wish i could really hug you. im so so so excited! and you had BETTER be posting u/s pics when you get them! THAT IS NOT A REQUEST, IT IS A DEMAND.
that is all :)
xoxo
lis

Helen said...

So happy and pleased for you. And also, slightly emotional. Love to you and the hubby. xx

R. said...

SO so happy.

Cally said...

Oooh B I'm so excited for you. I can sense the the joy and trepidation in your words and I've got everything, EVERYTHING crossed that things go smoothly.
xx

Rachel said...

I'm so happy for you. Sending loads of good thoughts your way!

Catherine W said...

You know how happy I am for you! xo

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

CONGRATS! I know it's a long journey ahead of you. Your words about ttc were so true for me. And your fears about your pregnancy also ring true for me too. Sending you and the new life growing inside of you lots of love!

biojen said...

Oh my god! It is about damn time! I've been wishing so hard for you to have this, I am in tears over here. I'd love to give you a hug right now and how I wish I could tell you everything will be okay. I will wish for you to have the most peaceful and stress free 36 weeks possible, with a fat healthy baby at the end. All my love to all of you, take care!

justine said...

I know just how you feel ... even at 24 weeks, I still can't feel confident about the safe arrival of my own child. Losses change us, forever. But I'm glad that you're allowing yourself to connect to this little life growing within you, and I will send lots of positive thoughts for a healthy full term pregnancy!

Angie said...

I saw you on LFCA, and you describe TTC after a loss perfectly. Some months, it definitely felt like losing my baby all over again.

Congratulations to you!

I'm 9 weeks today, and the terror is all over the place. Usually an ultrasound will buy me about a week of peace, until I start to panic and need another ultrasound. But soon I'm in the-able to use a doppler- range, and I think that will help (I bought one the first pregnancy.)

Anyway, I hope your pregnancy goes smoothly and is uneventful.

Lulu said...

congratulations from a total stranger. I'm hoping for you over here!

Elaine said...

Congrats from another stranger who found you via LFCA! It's a terribly nerve wrecking and exciting journey to ttc again after loss and then to be pregnant! I'm 8 weeks pregnant now and lost my last pregnancy at 17 weeks as well, in April 2010. I know it's not going to be easy but I wish you the best of luck!

Rebecca said...

SO SO happy for you! I know it's been a struggle. I'm wishing all the best for a quick and healthy....dare I say....36 more freakin' long weeks!!! :-)