Monday, 18 October 2010

somewhere in this house is a shoe box.

in that shoebox are the things we were given for the baby. last time around.

and a couple of samples of things that would last until this time around.

and i want that shoe box. so, so badly.

i want to look at the contents, and imagine a happy ending.

but i don't know where it is.

and D denies all knowledge of it existing.

so i guess it must be trapped in the room that time forgot (previously mentioned here).

and that means it'll be a while before i can access it.


today i don't really believe that there's even the merest hope that this will work out.

but i still want to buy a blanket.

something to keep the baby warm.

or maybe something to keep my hopes warm when they seem too far away.


i think part of me is mourning this baby even while - as far as i know - it's still alive.


i meant to say. even D has commented on suddenly seeing pairs of magpies and crows everywhere, after only seeing singles for so, so long.

either i've really infected him with my crazy, or maybe they really do know something.


mare said...


Miss Ruby said...

I'm bringing something with me for you [well kinda you] best you keep those legs clamped shut and make your womb as welcoming as possible for the next 8 months or so!


p.s. Know what you're doing this weekend? Going hunting for that box! Good way to keep your mind occupied on Sat [the 23rd] as well! Plus that's going to be an awesome day cause that's the day my feet hit English soil!

Lara + Chris said...

Hugs!!! I can't imagine the myriad of feelings that come with a positive pregnancy test after a loss. I hope that your first appointment goes well and you get to hear that beautiful galloping sound of your baby's heartbeat.

Angie said...

I can't tell you how many times I have been *certain* that everything had gone horribly wrong prior to an ultrasound/doctor visit. (And everything was perfect!) I have been my own worst enemy. It is really hard.

I have a friend whose son was stillborn a day after her due date. She has went on to have a healthy boy, and I asked her how she got through it. She said, "I just tried to appreciate every moment that I was pregnant, to celebrate this baby, knowing that things could go wrong, but knowing I would want to celebrate this baby too, even if the worst happened." She made herself buy things early on for the baby, she took more pictures, etc.

Hang in there. I find that every week things are seemingly okay, I relax a little more.

Angela said...

I don't have anything to say. Just wanted to stop over and say I think of you everyday. Lots of love.

B said...

miss r i will consider myself told!!!!!!! :) the problem about box hunting is that i actually can't get into the room the thing is in. there are three bookshelves in the way. and i'm not allowed to move them or D grumps at me. but it's a huge undertaking to move them so i don't want to ask him :(

thanks lara.

angie, i think that's all i can do really. enjoy it (as much as i can) while it lasts, and hope it lasts the whole 9 months. and i need to take pictures. i only have a couple of me pregnant last time - a couple the day we found out, and a couple the next month of me holding my friend's baby. there's no proper pics of me at all. which makes me sad. but it's a reminder to do it this time round, i guess.

thank you angela.

Tears in November said...

B, I am so happy for you, and all I can say is that I understand, I GET it. I had/have those emotions, the fear of not having it last, and the wanting so much to be able to hope with abandon. The hope of purchasing things to make things tangible, in anticipation of your baby certainly arriving safe in your arms. The kind of ignorant hope I had before I lost my son, and my world fell to pieces. I GET it.


B said...

thank you Paula, it's always reassuring to know other people feel the same. thank you so much.