Friday, 1 October 2010

tears

i've been needing to cry for what seems like a long time now.

i had an appointment last tuesday morning. i cried in there, a lot. it was sudden and unexpected. i had thought the tears had mostly dried up.

but after i came out the tears seemed to dry up again. i think i tried to seal them up once more. put them in the box that tries to hold my grief, along with the memories.

even though the one thing that had suddenly come abundantly clear was that that wasn't going to work.

last thursday was the worst. i felt stuffed full of stuck emotions. tears that wouldn't fall. anger and frustration i couldn't express. i ended up standing outside in a conveniently-timed rainstorm; letting the rain and the cold seep into me, in the hope that it would help. it kind of did, but not much.

last friday, i cried a little at the cemetery, but not enough. not enough.

on monday, at my counselling appointment, the counsellor broke through my defences. i cried a little more, relieved, but it still wasn't enough. i kind of hoped that when i got home that i'd be able to carry on. but no.

since then this week has been horrendous. a three-hour root canal appointment at the dental hospital, complete with rubber dam. a visit from my parents (who, to be fair, are not horrendous), who told me that if i needed space that they would just pop round for a short while and then go. but no; instead i pretended that everything was ok (not even consciously, to be fair) and took them into town and to my friend's house so they could see her new baby.

and in all of this, not a single tear.

i am terrible - TERRIBLE - at realising that what i want and what i need are sometimes two entirely different entities.

i want to be ok. i want to be fine with babies, 100% of the time. i want to be able to spend time with my parents without an undercurrent of wrongness.

but.

i want my mum (and my dad) to be holding my baby. to be buying presents for their first grandchild, not my friend's baby.

i didn't really realise how hard it would be, seeing my mum holding my best friend's baby. (strangely it wasn't so hard when i saw her hold my best male friend's baby.)

what i want and what i need are two different entities right now.

i need time. i need space. i need to go sit in the snowdrop garden. i need to phone and ask about that plaque. i need to have days when all i have to do is sit on the sofa and cry. cry because my baby isn't in my arms. cry because i don't believe i will ever hold a baby of my own in my arms. cry because i seem to be the only one who actually, actively misses my baby.

---

anyway. my brain's been reaching towards something. with this post and my own post from earlier tonight and the part towards the end of this post from quite some time ago.

and i didn't really understand where my brain was trying to go until just after i got into bed.

and then my thoughts suddenly unravelled themselves, and everything became clear.

i don't want to be pregnant *again*.

i want to be pregnant *still*.

i want to travel back in time. one year. i want to go back to when the baby was alive. i want to do something - anything. i want to make whatever sacrifice i can to make sure that this time, my baby lives.

i don't want a new baby.

i want the baby i lost.

i want the baby that died.

---

and that, right there, was the thought that broke through the defences i didn't mean to assemble. that was the thought that made me really cry.

i got back up out of bed. there's no point in waking D. he has enough problems without having to comfort a sobbing B in the middle of the night.

i've stopped crying right now. but i don't think i'll have any problems starting again when i need to.

---

i think i was talking a load of shit when i said that i didn't really think that it was really a baby that i had lost.

---

the irony is that of course, even that thought isn't strictly true.

i never wanted to have only one baby. i always wanted more than one. three for preference, but i'm realistic. i know that two is a more realistic number.

(although if i get to have two living children, maybe i get my wish. just in a really sh.it way.)

i do want to be pregnant again. to have a baby that one day i get to feel moving inside me. to experience childbirth, whether 'natural' or through a c-section or what.

and as i can't get my first baby back, it will have to be a different baby.

my second.

---

CD26 and i still haven't ovulated. this is the latest ever.

right now i actually don't want to get pregnant this month. i want to take a month off to cry and get a tat.too and just be.

problem is, if i ovulate over the next couple of days, we've still got a chance of conceiving anyway.

and i kind of think that my body has a sick enough sense of humour to make me pregnant the month when i'd really rather it didn't happen.

i don't know what i want. (except to go back in time and get a different outcome.)

i don't know what i need. (except to be fixed. to go back to the old me. and, of course, to have my baby back, alive and well.)

---

it's nearly 3am. i need want to be up in the morning in time to go to the cemetery. i really have to go to bed now.

---

i'm a terrible commenter right now. it would be better if i didn't comment on anyone's blog - at least that would be consistent! - but i'm managing some and not others. i'm sorry. i don't mean to neglect my friends. i'm just finding life extremely hard right now.

6 comments:

Angela said...

Go ahead and cry, and don't concern yourself with commenting on blogs. I don't feel neglected. You need time and space to grieve your baby, and there is nothing wrong with giving that to yourself. I think of you often - hope you sleep soon. Much love.

Illanare said...

YOU need support right now and please don't worry about commenting or not commenting.

Thinking of you and sending hugs.

Catherine W said...

Oh B. Firstly don't worry about commenting. You can cross me off your list as I will freely admit to only ever writing the same three darn posts anyways!

I think you are right, when you say you want to be pregnant *still*. When I imagine being pregnant again, I imagine being pregnant with the twins, being excited and G being alive and not dead. I actually am yearning for and striving towards something which is impossible. And that is a very difficult thing to do and I know it is something that is difficult to let go of. To admit that the only way is forward.

Thinking of you xo

Miss Ruby said...

Meh blog posts come and blog posts go - there will be plenty more for you to comment on, so cast that worry from your mind!

Focus on YOU, everything and everyone else is second to YOU right now.

I'm bringing a book over for you, I don't know whether it will be helpful or not but it's something I'd like you to have.

xxxx

mare said...

Oh B, my heart is aching for you. I don't have anything adequate to say... I just want to tell you that I hear you and care so much. And also, please do not beat yourself up over commenting. Please take care of yourself.

xo.

brianna said...

B-

The absence of tears is so painful. More painful than when they flow freely. Sometimes I feel like that the lack of my tears signifies that George's memory is fading. Then I have a day that I can't seem to stop crying and I realize that even when there are no physical tears the place where they come from is still as raw as ever.

I think it is natural to be confused about what you want and need. Aside from wanting and needing what you can't have -your baby- it is hard to think of anything else. I get that. For now you just need to do the best you can with the reserves you have.

Like everyone else said, do not feel badly about not commenting on blogs. All anyone in this community of ours wants is for its members to take care of themselves in the best way they can, to find their strength and to begin to find their way through the world again.