Wednesday, 24 November 2010

christmas

i kind of think this post needs to come with a health warning. i know that quite a few of my readers are facing their first christmas after losing their babies, and this post might be quite incomprehensible to you right now. to be honest, it's a little incomprehensible to me too, but it is what it is. and i hope that at least some of the older-timers understand. at least a little.

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you know what? i am ridiculously excited about christmas this year.

and that's not usual.

usually, i'm not ready for christmas to even think about starting until december. preferably about the 10th. i get annoyed at the christmas decorations turning up in early november. i scowl when the fenwicks window first appears.

but this year it's been different. i mean, i started out as normal - annoyed by early christmas decorations. but that only lasted a few days. then i started liking the christmas lights. and looking at christmas decorations and - gasp - being excited.

i found myself in HMV today deliberating on buying a cd of christmas music, ffs! the only reason i came home without one is that none of them was quite what i was after. i am SO not the kind of person who buys christmas cds.

we bought our christmas tree last night. and a load of new decorations. we haven't put it up yet, but it'll be going up soon. and i can't wait. i want to wrap all my presents and put them under the tree. i want to write my christmas cards. it's been snowing, and it's due to snow loads more tomorrow, and that makes me happier than i can ever say.

basically, i want it to be christmas.

and i suspect there are two reasons for this. i'll share the slightly more horrible one first, so i can end this post on a nice note.

i think the first reason is that i want to make sure that i get *some* amount of christmas spirit this year. if something goes wrong, i want to have enjoyed myself beforehand.

because last year was a bust. we went through the motions, but neither of us enjoyed it.

but.

last year was a bust. last year we didn't enjoy christmas at all. this year i want to have fun. i want to listen to daft festive music and get excited about mince pies and wrapping presents. i want to see if i can make non-alcoholic mulled wine and non-alcoholic bucks fizz. i want to put my christmas tree up while it's still november and leave it up right the way through til twelfth night. i want to light bunches of candles and turn off the lights and snuggle with D on the sofa. i want to go to carols by candlelight and listen to the choir and sing the carols.

i want to enjoy my christmas. and dammit, if it's at all possible to do so, i'm gonna.

3 comments:

Hanen said...

Good on you! It is always much easier to enjoy christmas if you are in the mood for it. Make the most of it!

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

Yeah for Christmas! Right now I'm feeling excited for Christmas too - thinking about hanging our Christmas lights outside tomorrow (although it's supposed to be really cold here). But we have family coming over for T-giving and I thought it would be nice to have the lights up. Anyways... I like your thought about enjoying the enjoyment while it's here. Who knows how I'll actually feel on Christmas day - or any day between now and then, but I can enjoy the joy while it's here. Last year sucked, and maybe this year won't? We shall see...

Have fun with it!

sarah said...

oh B, this makes me happy. because you are right - I am DREADING christmas this year. but reading this gives me hope that one year in hopefully my not too distant future, I will embrace christmas cheer the way you are.

may all the lights twinkle brightly for you this year, b.

with love.