i kind of think this post needs to come with a health warning. i know that quite a few of my readers are facing their first christmas after losing their babies, and this post might be quite incomprehensible to you right now. to be honest, it's a little incomprehensible to me too, but it is what it is. and i hope that at least some of the older-timers understand. at least a little.
you know what? i am ridiculously excited about christmas this year.
and that's not usual.
usually, i'm not ready for christmas to even think about starting until december. preferably about the 10th. i get annoyed at the christmas decorations turning up in early november. i scowl when the fenwicks window first appears.
but this year it's been different. i mean, i started out as normal - annoyed by early christmas decorations. but that only lasted a few days. then i started liking the christmas lights. and looking at christmas decorations and - gasp - being excited.
i found myself in HMV today deliberating on buying a cd of christmas music, ffs! the only reason i came home without one is that none of them was quite what i was after. i am SO not the kind of person who buys christmas cds.
we bought our christmas tree last night. and a load of new decorations. we haven't put it up yet, but it'll be going up soon. and i can't wait. i want to wrap all my presents and put them under the tree. i want to write my christmas cards. it's been snowing, and it's due to snow loads more tomorrow, and that makes me happier than i can ever say.
basically, i want it to be christmas.
and i suspect there are two reasons for this. i'll share the slightly more horrible one first, so i can end this post on a nice note.
i think the first reason is that i want to make sure that i get *some* amount of christmas spirit this year. if something goes wrong, i want to have enjoyed myself beforehand.
because last year was a bust. we went through the motions, but neither of us enjoyed it.
last year was a bust. last year we didn't enjoy christmas at all. this year i want to have fun. i want to listen to daft festive music and get excited about mince pies and wrapping presents. i want to see if i can make non-alcoholic mulled wine and non-alcoholic bucks fizz. i want to put my christmas tree up while it's still november and leave it up right the way through til twelfth night. i want to light bunches of candles and turn off the lights and snuggle with D on the sofa. i want to go to carols by candlelight and listen to the choir and sing the carols.
i want to enjoy my christmas. and dammit, if it's at all possible to do so, i'm gonna.