Friday, 12 November 2010

i went to the loo before. there was blood.

brown blood. old. not much. but blood.

blood is not good.

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i called D. work and mobile. couldn't get through. i called my midwife. her phone was switched off.

i got someone to give me a lift home from work. i didn't know what to do. the only number that looked potentially useful in my maternity notes was the number for the maternity assessment unit. i called. they told me that as i hadn't had a dating scan yet that they couldn't do anything for me and that i would have to go to A&E.

A&E is at the General. the Early Pregn.ancy Asses.sment Cl.inic (EP.AC) is at the RVI. i already didn't like this.

i got hold of D. told him to see me at the General. phoned a taxi.

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we basically waited at the General for over an hour and a half for someone to a) take my blood pressure and b) make me an appointment at the EP.AC. what a fuc.king waste of time. they showed no interest in the fact that although i don't have pain in my abdomen i do feel like i feel when i get my period, or the even more tellling fact that my pregnancy symptoms are easing up - the nurse actually said 'well that's good!'. NO IT'S FUC.KING NOT.

no. it's fuc.king not.

they didn't even check my cervix. i'd think that was something important.

and this is the best bit. the appointment at the EP.AC isn't until tuesday.

i don't feel sick any more, not really. i'm not tired. i've had some blood. i feel like i do when i'm getting my period.

i can't help thinking that it's all over but the bleeding.

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i really believed in this pregnancy.

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please don't say there's still hope. i know that technically there is. but... just please. don't say it.

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edited to add - D pointed out ages ago that the blood was probably from the scan on tuesday. it's not the blood that's freaking me out. it's the sensations that are similar to when i have a period. it's the fact that the nausea is gone and the tiredness is all but gone. i know i started with it, but that's really not the main part of this.

11 comments:

R. said...

I know how scared you are right now. All you can do is rest and drink lots of water. I am hoping and praying that everything will be ok. ((Hugs))

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

Thinking of you! This is so fucking scary!

Merry said...

So.

Freddie was a twin. His twin was gone before the first scan and the only record of him/her was a very high beta hcg and old blood.

I'm not going to say there is hope but I am saying that the fat lady may have cleared her throat but she isn't singing.

Old blood is not a bad thing on it's own. Old blood is early twin loss and implantation bleeding that got caught somewhere.

I don't think, really, that losing Freddie's twin had anything to do with them losing him.

Keep breathing.

Merry said...

BTW, the so was me starting and not saying "there is hope" as opposed to me saying "so????" in a playgroundy way.

brianna said...

I'm sorry B.

Ginger Doll said...

Jesus, love are u ok?

B said...

it's not the blood. it's not feeling pregnant any more that's scaring the shit out of me.

GD... i don't know. i'm calm now but i just think it's over. i so hope it's not. thank you.

thank you for the thoughts everyone.

Noelle said...

I don't know what to say because I so badly want to say that there is hope. But I won't say it because you don't want me to.

I had a subchorionic hematoma with brown blood with Baby B.

And my symptoms would come and go.

I'm thinking about you a lot and I hope that you are okay. Try to go to sleep. and just lay in bed.

inBetween said...

For what its worth, pregnancy symptoms come and go, and there have been many many days that I haven't felt pregnant AT ALL. But I know how it is, none of those general reassurances mean much when what you really need to know is if YOUR baby is still ok. I have all of my fingers and toes crossed for you. Know you are in my thoughts.

Catherine W said...

Oh B. Oh no, no, no. I really want to say the words you've specifically asked us not to.

I bled in early pregnancy with the twins (and yes, it didn't end well but nothing to do with the bleeding), I bled when I was actually having a miscarriage and I've had a big bleed in this pregnancy. Scary bright red blood and all but everything seems fine (well, apart from the incredible shrinking cervix but that's another story) so you just don't know until you get to the EPAC. I'm very sorry that you are having to wait so long.

C xo

Barbara said...

Oh B, I hope the scary stuff goes away.

xxx