Saturday, 13 November 2010

no change here. no more blood. still no pregnancy symptoms. i know they can come and go but until wednesday they were pretty much constant. i haven't had any for three days now.

i cleaned the kitchen this morning. D had made gravy yesterday. normally it makes me feel sick dealing with the jug even when i'm not pregnant. this morning, not a flicker. i actually feel less sick than my usual state of being.

still over two full days to go through before i can find out what the hell is going on.

we've given up hope. i mean, i'm not drinking alcohol or eating runny eggs or anything yet (and i crave nothing more than the oblivion of being really drunk right now) but that's only because i don't want to do anything i'd regret in the unlikely chance that everything is actually ok.

---

we started trying to conceive in april 09. (i know that's nothing compared to some of you.)

if you'd told me then that 18 months later i still wouldn't have a living baby in my arms i would never have believed you.

the dream seems extremely far away, and entirely pointless.

11 comments:

Miss Ruby said...

This comment is going to seem rambling but hey stuff it I'm going to say it anyway and you can delete it if you wish.

The time spent ttc compared to others is irrelevant, anything beyond 6 months is too long in my book and if you go beyond 12 months well that's like an eternity.

I hate how so many of us went into this "trying for a baby" thing with our eyes wide open, our hearts filled with hope and a belief that infertility happens to others, only to find that no in fact it doesn't. I so wish it did.

I thought it may take us a year, maybe two to get knocked up with our first, if you'd have told me 10 years ago this Thurs [the 10 year anniversary of our wedding] that 11 years from meeting, we'd still not have a living babe, I'd have told you, you were off your rocker...if only I'd known eh?

The dream may be far away B [or it may be just round the corner] but as long as it's still there in some form or another - that's all that matters. And a dream can never be pointless, of course right now it seems that way because you're in limbo, you're hurting, you're scared and it's perfectly natural to feel like it's unreachable but it's not. If you don't want to believe that right now, that's fine, I don't blame you but if it's okay with you...I'm going to hold onto your dream of motherhood for you, I'll put it somewhere safe and when you're ready for it again, ready to believe, ready to hope, I'll deliver it back to you safe and sound.

You know where I am, if you need to talk.

Love as always my friend

xxxx

Kelly said...

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. The waiting and not knowing is absolute torture. I wish there were something I could say or do to make it easier for you.

Try to do something for yourself this weekend. Whatever you need to get you through this wait.

We're all here for you...good or bad. (((HUGS))))

car said...

(o)

Illanare said...

I am so sorry you are going through this. I won't say things about symptoms coming and going and there's hope and of course it will be okay. Largely because I know you can't hear this right now, and also I'm not sure that it would mean anything coming from someone where I am.

But, like Miss Ruby, have hope for you. I have belief for you that everything will be okay. And I too will hold on to those for you, while you are going through this.

Thinking of you constantly.

xxx

Angela said...

There is a beautiful Ayn Rand quote I hold onto in my darkest moments:

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark. In the hopeless swamps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all, do not let the hero in your soul perish and leave only frustration for the life you deserved, but never have been able to reach. The world you desire can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours."

Holding you in my heart - hoping & praying for peace.

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

Thinking of you.

I was wondering if you would post today. Waiting is stressful. As someone else said, if it's possible, do what you need to do/are able to do for you today, and tomorrow. Whatever distraction works (within reason, of course - like you said, while you might want to drink, you're not). I know my anxieties and fears get the best of me sometime. Still haven't figured out how to get the best of them.

Love to you. My thoughts are with you.

trousers said...

Thinking of you, and hoping.

therootofallevel said...

really don't know what to say here b. part of me wants to tell you to calm down, stop being terrified of everything and try to enjoy yourself. but then there is the bleed, and that's not exactly the easiest thing to stop thinking about.

i don't want this baby to come into this world and say "WOW, my mom was a completely and total disaster while pregnant with me."

think about the good times and how damn excited you were when you peed on that test and saw it was positive! how you saw a REAL heartbeat already! and how we were all on pins and needles with you for that first scan.

and think about the lifetime of memories you are in for. it's not all over yet. its barely begun.

pregnancy after loss is TOTALLY scary, but you've gotta be tough. you've got to try and stay positive and give your beaner a break.

i am cheering you on mate. not just hoping, but demanding things progress positively.

and when you see that beautiful heart beating, we better get the gushy "I LOVE THIS BABY" post :)


love you mama.

Maddie said...

Thinking of you and hoping for good news tomorrow. I know nothing is going to reassure you but other than two waves of nausea very early in my pregnancy with Max (before 5 weeks) I had no symptoms at all.

Hugs.

Maddie x

sarah said...

B,
sorry I'm so late to the game here, I had no idea of the worry you've been in. I'm sending lots of love, and you will be in my thoughts. xo

lis said...

beautiful words from miss ruby. i know i dont have to tell you that every pregnancy is different, day to day and week to week.
i know you know that things are going to be okay, but you don't want to believe it because you think you are preparing yourself for the worst. listen, there is no such thing as being ready to lose a child..it just doesn't exist. so i need you to begin to treasure every day with this little one, so that even if something did happen you would have warm memories in your heart. i need you to try to enjoy yourself, i know its hard and god im hoping you are giving me this speech right back real soon. just know that right now things are okay, and right now is really all we have,love.
xoxo
lis