Monday, 29 November 2010

update

we're knee deep in snow round here. unheard of at this time of year.

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i've been getting random stabbing pains at the edge of my left b00b. rather disconcerting.

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i scared the bejesus out of myself this morning. i helped D push our car back onto the pavement this morning after it got stuck in the snow half into the road. and then remembered i'm ten weeks pregnant. i know it shouldn't make any difference, it shouldn't be possible to hurt the baby like that, but i'm still terrified i did.

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our 12 week scan is on thursday. it falls when i should be 10+6. but last time we had a scan i was 8+4 and the baby measured 9+1. so if it measures less than 11+3 i will be terrified that everything is going wrong again.

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of course, that's really only my secondary fear. right now i can't imagine that the scan on thursday will show that the baby is still alive. right now i am convinced it is already dead. and that because i am such a terrible mother, i should have realised this by now.

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it's not even that i'm anxious about it. i'm calm. i'm just waiting for my world to collapse again.

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last time our 12 week scan fell at 11+4. the baby died four days later. i realise the odds of the same thing happening again are minimal. but that just doesn't help. i can't imagine a good outcome to this pregnancy. i can't imagine myself with a bump... even though one is already appearing. i can't imagine myself with a baby. my brain just won't move in that way.

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i'm kind of aware that my experience is colouring my expectation, but that doesn't reassure me either.

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i don't want to lose this baby.

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but i'm scared it's already too late.

7 comments:

Catherine W said...

Now I'm going to tell you what my consultant always tells me.

First, you must visualise an incredibly groomed, tiny dark haired lady in a white coat standing in front of you. She draws herself up to her full height of 5ft nothing and looks you directly in the eye and says "You DO realise that THIS is a DIFFERENT pregnancy don't you?"

That snaps me back into line for about an hour!

Please try not to worry about pushing the car. I'm sure you can't have hurt the baby at all. And please don't put too much emphasis on the measurements, I'm sure they can only be so accurate anyhow.

I've also been having one of those panicky days when I'm convinced that everything will, or already has, gone wrong. I hope tomorrow is better for both of us C xo

B said...

catherine you made me laugh, well done! and you made me believe there may be hope... at least for the rest of the evening, and that's quite an achievement :)

i have far more confidence for you than i have for myself. maybe between us we can balance out?

Miss Ruby said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jenn said...

Hoping and praying that all you see on that ultrasound is a beautiful little bub dancing around for you. Yes, every pregnancy is different, but I know that doesn't always take away the fear. Thinking of you and wishing you peace. xx

Hope's Mama said...

Sending love and hugs.
xo

mare said...

(o)

Tears in November said...

Oh B, I so remember. I remember holding my breath each and every time the ultrasound started, or the doppler came near my belly. Only exhaling when I saw her heartbeat flutter, or hearing the steady thumping of the her heart. It never got easier, nor was I ever able to be confident before I saw or heard things were alright. And the times in between visits the doubts and fears always took over, and it seemed an eternity until the next check up was due.

I think of you often even though I do not know you, and I always hope and pray that everything will turn out OK and you will hold this lovely baby in your arms, that you so long for. Love to you.

Paula