Thursday, 18 November 2010

wow. someone i was friends with on lj (livejournal) is pregnant. as you will know i find it really hard to hear about other people's pregnancies... i tried to be ok with it but then she posted two vids of her ultrasound and it was so painful to see.

i sent her a message telling her my history and asking her if she would mind filtering me out of her pregnancy-related posts. i worded it really careful and said that i felt like a horrible person asking her to do this. but she seemed like a really nice person. i thought she would understand. lj's not like fb, you can't just hide a single person (at least not as far as i know).

i got a message back from her this morning telling me that i should feel like a horrible person and that it was disturbing that i would project my problems with pregnancy onto her. she accused me of trying to rob her of her happiness.

oh yeah, and she's deleted me.

full disclosure: she stated in one of her posts that she's terrified of miscarriage, but she's had quite a few healthy ultrasounds and is now over 10 weeks - so her risk is very low. and again we all know that means nothing, but... i still fully expect everything to be ok for her.

she asked me not to reply so i'm respecting that.

part of me wants to tell her i'm sorry for upsetting her - because i really, really am - but part of me just can't understand why a message i thought was calm and considered was read as disturbing and - reading between the lines - cruel.

tell me truly. i can take it. am i a horrible person? i thought not, but maybe i'm wrong :(


Melissa said...

Not seeing what you sent her I can't really say, but ain't nothing that can make a person volatile and hard to deal with like first trimester hormones.

db said...

Of yourse you're not. I don't know what you wrote, but judging from your blogs and stories, I assume you're quite able to get the wording clear enough to sy what you meant to say.
If I were you, I'd find it terribly hard not to reply in order to make myself understood. But what are the odds she gets it second time around? And how important was she to you before this happened? So, I'd leave it for a while.

Miss Ruby said...

This is a fine line.

If this chick has never "suffered" or "experienced" infertility in any form in her life, then she just won't get what you were trying to say one little bit, not even a teeny tiny bit - no matter how you say it or try to explain it.

If she HAS "experienced" some form of infertility in her life and she still accused you of "trying to rob her of her happiness" - well, sorry she's an insensitive so and so. Though there are those "infertiles" who tend to forget what they went through, felt and experienced once they win the prize, they are few and far between but they are out there.

If she replied to me like she did to you, I would have hit delete and promptly forgot about her. You don't need people like that in your life, especially right now.


Helen said...

I think pregnancy for any woman whether it's been a struggle to conceive or not is a worrying time. Hormones are involved too like Melissa said. I know I filtered you out of some of my children's pictures on FB because you asked everyone to be sensitive some time ago. And I was happy to do this.
But. But. As for your friend.It's hard to say. Pregnancy is a touchy subject...and she probably has her own worries and concerns too whether she has had infertility troubles or not. No one really knows what is going on in a persons mind (as I know only too well).

Leave it for a while and if the friendship is worth resuming try in a few months. If not, just let it go. x

Merry said...

NO. You aren't horrible. You have your process, she has hers. Sometimes those things are not compatible.

Helen said...

Merry has just said in two lines what I failed to do in a paragraph or two! It's not you. It's not her. Just not compatible. x

sarah said...

You are NOT a horrible person. I'm sorry she made you feel that way - that is not deserved.

I would love to be in a place where I could revel in the happiness that is other women's pregnancies and babies, but, I have to be honest with myself and admit that's not where I am right now.

You didn't attack her, you asked her to remove you from her postings. You didn't ask her to STOP posting, you asked her to filter you. I don't think that sounds unreasonable, b, not at all.

I have a friend who gave birth 4 weeks after Otis died. She actually mentioned to me at one point that "If you haven't hidden me on FB yet, PLEASE do." She is very aware that her current state of motherhood is way too triggering for me to be a part of, and she's been really respectful about keeping it from me. She doesn't give me any flack for being where I am right now, and I am so grateful for that.

In that same vein, I also recognize that if I do get pregnant again, it's likely my pregnancy could be upsetting to other BLMs, and I have every bit of compassion for that and would of course respect and honor their wishes if they didn't want to hear about it.

I'm sorry you felt attacked, B. It doesn't sound to me like you did one thing wrong.

Angie said...

I think Merry said it well.

But, if I understand correctly, it's been a year since you lost your baby, and you are pregnant again. I think you have to get to a point where you can deal with pregnant people and ultrasounds, and it's not really fair to expect someone to not post theirs to accomodate you. As someone who has suffered a loss and infertility and is pregnant again, there are times when something still bothers me a little, but that's what the x in the corner of the screen is for, I don't have to look at it and torture myself. (I don't have or do LJ so I also don't understand how it works.) I definitely don't think you were being cruel, but I can see why someone would be offended. My best friend had a daughter a couple weeks before my due date with Olivia. It's still hard for me to see her and know that Olivia should be that old now, sitting up, crawling, standing. But I wouldn't dream of asking my friend not to post pictures of her baby, it's up to me to make sure I'm emotionally in the right frame of mind where I can look at them.

Cally said...

I don't think you're a horrible person at all B but I do think that, if you find reading about someone else's pregnancy so upsetting maybe you should just avoid their blog entirely for nine months?

People talk about all kinds of subjects in their blogs - death, miscarriage, pregnancy, illness, cancer, mental illness - all subjects that readers could find upsetting and if every blogger had to limit certain subjects to certain readers it would be an administrative nightmare not to mention time consuming.

People ARE sensitive to other people's lives and pain but ultimately blogging is about the self-expression of the blogger and it's up to the readers whether or not they read about those thoughts, or not.

B said...

Melissa, good point. I can't believe that never occurred.

thank you db. i'm just going to leave it as she asked me to.

she hasn't miss r. i'm deleting my lj entirely i think. sick of it.

thank you helen. i had no idea you did that and i really appreciate it. and i think you explained yourself very clearly.

thank you merry.

thank you sarah.

angie and cally, the problem with lj is that i can't filter people out so i can't see them - they are always there in my friends feed, and when it's two youtube vids of ultrasounds that's pretty in your face.

the only way i could have filtered her out would be to de-friend her entirely which would have resulted in an email in her inbox and unexplained, i think that would have been just as bad. well not just as bad, but she would have wondered.

at the end of the day i only had an lj because that's the only internet presence one of my friends has and she lives in california so i can't really keep up with her any other way. but i'll just have to find other ways to do that.

i am ok with most people's pregnancies and babies these days. i don't know why this one really upset me - and i hate that tbh, it's weird that i can't figure it out - but it did.

ah well. what's done is done. thank you all for your comments and opinions. they are appreciated - especially the range. i'm glad no one was just 'you're not a bad person' and left it at that.

Illanare said...

A little late but fwiw - I don't think you are a horrible person at all. You asked her to please filter you out, nothing else.

But, unless you have experienced baby loss I think it is really, really hard not to understand that we can't always be 100% happy and excited for other people. Merry said it best - you two are just in very different places at the moment.

Hugs, my friend.