Thursday, 30 December 2010

around and around and around

to see me talking to D last night, joking about what the baby was up to and whether it can hear yet, you would think that i'm faking the fear that i talk about on here.

but then, if you talked to me when i get upset and scared and convinced that the baby's dead, you'd think i had to be faking when i joke with D about the baby.

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in reality, they're both true. even when i'm scared and convinced the baby is dead and there is no hope, i'd still be shocked to the very core to find out there was really something wrong. even when i'm joking and talking about the baby, i'm still hating myself inside for believing.

the joy and the terror coexist, nearly every single moment. it's exhausting.

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i'm 15 weeks 4 days today. i'm not hating this part of pregnancy quite as much as i thought i would. since i had that scan a couple of weeks back time has actually been passing at a more normal rate, not superslowly as it was for the first trimester. but still. last time around, the baby was long dead by now, but i still wouldn't find out for another 9 days. part of me is expecting a similar outcome, part of me simply can't believe that the same thing would happen again.

and yes, i know how naive that is. i would expect more sense from myself, knowing all i know now.

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last new year's eve was when the shock wore off and the pain and the grief really started. i'm a bit nervous about it. i'm going round to a friend's house with D; it'll just be us, J and her husband, but... what if the echoes of last year get too strong and i just sit there in tears?

i think i'll be ok, but it's hard to tell for sure.

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i still need to write properly about christmas. soon.

7 comments:

Miss Ruby said...

I'm reading but I have nothing constructive to say - unfortunately, I wish I did.

I do however have things to say that would probably just piss you off, so I shall refrain from saying them for several reasons

1. It's just wrong to say stuff that you know people will not take well - it's plain rude.

2. You're pregnant, so hormonal and would probably start planning a voodoo doll in my image in an effort to reek revenge :-P

and the MOST important reason...

3. You're my friend and I make it a priority not to upset my friends needlessly.

There I think I have rambled enough now...

Enjoy your NYE!!

~x~

mare said...

Oh B. I can totally see how both truths exist in one person. I hope this new year's goes ok and that you handle it however you need to. Thinking of you. xoxo.

sarah said...

b, I had a conversation yesterday with a dear friend of mine (whose son died just three days shy of his first birthday) about how we both have these seemingly contradictory yet totally existing at the same time thoughts and realities. The joy and the terror. The hope and the despair. The conviction that everything is going to be perfect and everything is going to be horrible, at the same time. It's a bit like insanity, I'm sure of it. And at the same time, I'm also sure that it's entirely normal and to be expected given our circumstances.

much love to you.

Illanare said...

(o)

Catherine W said...

Like Sarah says, I think (well actually I think I can say I KNOW because of the circumstances of my own particular loss) that you can hold two apparently contradictory sets of thoughts at once. I spent those months of J's stay in hospital simultaneously convinced that she would live and that she would die. I don't know how that it is possible to believe in opposite outcomes with equal intensity (and it certainly does feel like insanity) but there you go.

As for this current pregnancy, I'm still attempting to pretend it isn't happening. Or that it's happening to somebody else?

I hope New Year's Eve goes ok, I know it will be hard with the memories of last year. C xo

car said...

(o)

Noelle said...

It is perfectly understandable to feel so contradicted and like two different people. I hope that once you get a little bit farther along, you will begin to feel that peace. But if you don't ever feel that peace, that is okay. Don't pressure yourself to feel all sunshine and rainbows. Whatever you are feeling is okay. Just keep writing and taking it day by day.