i just marked 165 posts as read in google reader. i've never done that before. i hated doing it. but i need to give myself a break, and trying to catch up was making me even more stressed than i already am.
i phoned one of my sisters in tears before, entirely unable to order my mum's christmas present. too stressed by photo options and bad reviews of websites and deadlines for christmas ordering. i should get the order through by the deadline but christ, i was stressed.
i stayed off work sick monday. went back tuesday. tried to deal with the terror. by the time i got home wednesday i needed to know what was going on. i called the maternity assessment unit and lasted about ten seconds before i started crying. they told me to go in the next day (thursday) at 12. that i would go to the end of the list and might have to wait quite some time, but that they would scan me. just this once.
we decided that D would stay in work until i called to say we were getting close. hoped they would give me some idea of how long i'd be waiting. as it turned out when we reported to the MAU a lovely midwife asked 'so do you just need to know this baby is alive?' when i told her yes she said she'd just do me a quick scan before her shift finished at 12.30. i asked if she could wait for D to arrive and she said of course.
i thought the scan would just be a 'there's the baby, it's fine, now be on your way' kind of thing, but it lasted about 15 minutes. she looked at the baby in detail and gave us another 10 (TEN!!!!) pictures. and it was fine. heart still beating away, baby still moving around and lying in bizarre positions. moving much slower than the last baby, but i think i'm kind of glad about that; i still wonder if it was moving around so much and so fast because it was in pain. i know it shouldn't be possible at 12 weeks, but it doesn't stop me being scared that it was and that i didn't know :(
so today i'm 14 weeks. and today i believe we've got a shot at this. no guarantees, but a decent shot. i'm still kind of scared, and i still feel that the 20 week scan is just too bloody far away for comfort, but right now i believe in my tiny baby. i'm scared for it, but i believe.
and just for the record, i've heard so many horror stories about the R.V.I., but for me they've been nothing but amazing. i far prefer it to ra.ke lan.e.