Wednesday, 29 December 2010

i thought i was doing really well. i coped fine with christmas and relatives and even one of my aunts patting my belly*, i didn't jump backwards and slap her hand away like i wanted to or anything. i was so proud of myself.

but then i told one of my sisters that i think i might be feeling movement, and then i started crying. i'm so scared. i thought i was feeling movement last time too, but the baby was long dead by that stage. so i really, really wasn't.

  • thinking i might be feeling movement seems dangerous.
  • telling people i think i might be feeling movement seems dangerous.
  • talking as though the baby might actually be born alive in june seems dangerous. even when i qualify it with 'hopefully' or 'if we're lucky'. and believe me, i always qualify it.
  • being in the second trimester seems dangerous.
  • believing that there is even a tiny flicker of hope for this baby seems dangerous.
  • thinking that this baby might currently be alive seems dangerous. and like the most ridiculous thing to think in the entire universe.
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but doesn't this baby deserve some belief? and some hope?

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*weirdly, my sister's husband touched my belly last night and even though a) i really don't want anyone ever touching my belly without an invitation to and b) he is the least likely person ever to do that i was ok with that, it didn't seem invasive or anything. possibly because he was doing it to make sure a pregnant friend of my sister's knew i was pregnant too. maybe that somehow made it ok?

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and actually i was glad he did it, because although she hasn't lost a baby (that i know of) she somehow gets it and it was really nice talking to her about pregnancy and my fears. i almost felt normal. it was nice.

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anyway.

i'm at my parents' house. D was here with me, but he left this morning as he has work tomorrow. i go back in the morning. i think maybe i'm freaking out because he's not here to keep the lid on my craziness.

i'm so exhausted by simultaneously trying to believe that there is hope and by trying to crush out any ounce of hope that flickers before it takes hold.

i want this baby so badly but i want the other one too.

there's no way i can have both and it's not fair.

i want to have them both.

it's just not fair.

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in just a few days Last Year will no longer be last year.

it seems like my snowflake is drifting further and further away from me. that soon my little mite will be lost to me forever. even more so than it already is.

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D strongly thinks this baby is a boy. i am secretly (well, not so secretly) hoping for a girl. i'm not quite sure what to do with a boy.

i don't have any strong feelings about what it actually is. as long as it's alive, i don't really care.

D is talking about what 'he' is doing in there. about what he will be like.

before i was pregnant, D was very vocal about the fact that he did not want to believe in any pregnancy until it was over and we had a healthy, living baby.

his belief and his optimism simultaneously help me to keep going and utterly terrify me.

5 comments:

Hope's Mama said...

Like I've said before, our losses were very different, but we seem to have had the same fears around pregnancy after loss. I can truly relate to all of this. Hope and fear are going to continue to co-exist in you for the next few months. There is no other way around it.
xo

Tears in November said...

(((((Hugs B))))).... I know, all too well.

B said...

thank you both, so much x

Miss Ruby said...

Hope is the one thing that sticks around even when we THINK it's gone and I don't believe it's ever foolish to have it, regardless of what you've been through in the past.

Neither is it foolish to believe that the very thing you want you will actually get.

~x~

Catherine W said...

Argh movement. I also have an internal freak out every single time I tell anyone that I can feel the baby move. And I'm big on qualifying every statement about the possibility of having another baby in the house too.

Of course you want both your babies B. I think the fact that we can't have both doesn't take away the longing, if only humans were that logical, that we would stop yearning for the impossible!

In terms of gender, I think you can probably guess what I'm slightly hoping for myself. But, as you say, it isn't a strong feeling and my wish list involves a baby weighing more than 4lbs, alive and healthy.

Keep going B. xo