but then i told one of my sisters that i think i might be feeling movement, and then i started crying. i'm so scared. i thought i was feeling movement last time too, but the baby was long dead by that stage. so i really, really wasn't.
- thinking i might be feeling movement seems dangerous.
- telling people i think i might be feeling movement seems dangerous.
- talking as though the baby might actually be born alive in june seems dangerous. even when i qualify it with 'hopefully' or 'if we're lucky'. and believe me, i always qualify it.
- being in the second trimester seems dangerous.
- believing that there is even a tiny flicker of hope for this baby seems dangerous.
- thinking that this baby might currently be alive seems dangerous. and like the most ridiculous thing to think in the entire universe.
but doesn't this baby deserve some belief? and some hope?
*weirdly, my sister's husband touched my belly last night and even though a) i really don't want anyone ever touching my belly without an invitation to and b) he is the least likely person ever to do that i was ok with that, it didn't seem invasive or anything. possibly because he was doing it to make sure a pregnant friend of my sister's knew i was pregnant too. maybe that somehow made it ok?
and actually i was glad he did it, because although she hasn't lost a baby (that i know of) she somehow gets it and it was really nice talking to her about pregnancy and my fears. i almost felt normal. it was nice.
i'm at my parents' house. D was here with me, but he left this morning as he has work tomorrow. i go back in the morning. i think maybe i'm freaking out because he's not here to keep the lid on my craziness.
i'm so exhausted by simultaneously trying to believe that there is hope and by trying to crush out any ounce of hope that flickers before it takes hold.
i want this baby so badly but i want the other one too.
there's no way i can have both and it's not fair.
i want to have them both.
it's just not fair.
in just a few days Last Year will no longer be last year.
it seems like my snowflake is drifting further and further away from me. that soon my little mite will be lost to me forever. even more so than it already is.
D strongly thinks this baby is a boy. i am secretly (well, not so secretly) hoping for a girl. i'm not quite sure what to do with a boy.
i don't have any strong feelings about what it actually is. as long as it's alive, i don't really care.
D is talking about what 'he' is doing in there. about what he will be like.
before i was pregnant, D was very vocal about the fact that he did not want to believe in any pregnancy until it was over and we had a healthy, living baby.
his belief and his optimism simultaneously help me to keep going and utterly terrify me.