Monday, 13 December 2010

i've been disturbed recently. for ages actually. why? because i've felt mostly ok. i haven't wanted to cry. i only cried even on the anniversary of our loss because i made myself write a post talking about it.

i don't like that. i don't like feeling as though this pregnancy has somehow fixed me. made me forget my first child, as if i'm too busy focusing on this second one to remember what we lost.

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but i guess it's ok. it turns out it's just denial talking.

i got in bed tonight. all was well. D and i looked again at the scan pics; that's not really something we've ever done before in either pregnancy, get the pics out to look at them. we were laughing and joking and just chatting. we put the light out. all was well.

except. it wasn't. i moved around, trying to get comfortable, and i remembered the sonographer telling me to move from side to side and to bang my bottom on the bed to get the baby to move. and i thought, if i banged my bottom on the bed now, it would make the baby move. maybe even start it spinning around.

and then i started to realise that i don't believe that for a second. that somehow in my head i think that i believe the baby is somewhere in the machinery of the hospital, because that's where we saw it. it's not inside me. that's just crazy. i'm not pregnant. the baby's somewhere else. (if there even is a baby. how can there really be a baby?) in limbo somewhere. waiting to see whether it gets to live or die. and to be honest i'm just waiting for it to die. i don't want it to, but it feels like it's just a matter of time. maybe my time's up already. maybe i'll have a few more weeks this time. or maybe this time i'll get to go full term and then fall (fail?) at the final hurdle.

i don't feel any connection to this baby. i think i did before, but it's been fading away. the first scan, i cried. i was so relieved. the second scan, i cried before we went in, for fear of what we would see and because D had got trapped downstairs because of a fire alarm (he got to the EPAC before they scanned me, but i was so terrified he wouldn't) but i didn't really cry at the scan. at the 12 week scan i was crying when they called us in but again i was ok when they did the scan.

i think i believed i was pregnant early on but that the pregnancy would fail early on, too. and i was glad when it didn't, but i guess now i'm in my second trimester i can't get my head around the idea that i could possibly end up with a baby in six months. now more than ever i'm just waiting for things to go wrong.

i don't want to be in my second trimester. it doesn't feel like a safe place to be.

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i keep hearing about people who feel their babies moving really early, like 12 weeks. and i'm so utterly bitterly jealous i almost (almost, not quite) hate them. the last midwife appointment i had last time around i was 16+6 and i thought i was starting to feel movement. the midwife said it was possible. but obviously, i wasn't. the baby had been dead for weeks. i guess if i was feeling anything it was my body starting to think about moving things on.

i can't imagine ever feeling this baby move. i can't imagine ever being able to feel it kick me. or be able to let D feel it. it seems so utterly far away, unreachable. every day of this pregnancy seems to last forever. i already feel like i've been pregnant for a year. june next year sounds like a different century.

i can't imagine i'll ever get as far as worrying about giving birth.

i just wish i knew if everything was still ok in there.

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hang on little babe. please hang on. i know i don't even really believe you exist, but i want to. i want to be wrong again. so, so badly. i thought my last baby was alive when it had died. now i want to be wrong again, this time to find out that really you're fine, even if i can't imagine that possibility in even one of all the potential universes.

i need so badly for you to be ok.

i love you. even though i barely believe in you, i love you. please know that above all else.

6 comments:

cullensblessings said...

Thinking of you B....

Hope's Mama said...

Our losses were so very different, but in terms of surviving the uphill battle of a pregnancy after loss, this was spot on. I could relate to everything you wrote. All of it.
You are most certainly not alone.
xo

Illanare said...

I wish I had words. (o)

Catherine W said...

'i don't want to be in my second trimester. it doesn't feel like a safe place to be.'

It doesn't feel safe to me either B.

I had a strange feeling today. I told someone I was pregnant and then felt as though I'd lied? Does that even make sense? I suddenly felt with this absolute conviction that I was simply making it all up.

And the feeling that your baby is in the machinery of the hospital somewhere. Oh my. I know that feeling. Sometimes I'm still convinced that G is in there somehow. Geesh, I sound absolutely mad don't I?

As Sally says, you aren't on your own. Love C xo

Roxyroo said...

Have you thought about getting a Doppler machine so you could hear the heartbeat at home? I know that some people find it helpful with the fear that the "baby isn't in there"

Jenn said...

Thinking of you. xx