Friday, 3 December 2010

pregnancy mentioned

ok, i know it might seem weird to title this 'pregnancy mentioned' when i've done little but talk about being pregnant for the last... jeebers, nearly 8 weeks now.... but, well, this post is talking about 'normal' pregnant stuff. so it might be harder to read. and i kind of wanted to warn you all before you started to read so that if it's too hard you can click away and read something else instead.

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honestly, i don't mind if you do. i've also posted a scan pic right at the end of this post which i know might be too hard to see for some people.

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so. this might be the most 'normal' pregnancy post i've ever written.

i'm only 11 weeks or so, but i'm already showing. i've been trying to disguise it in work with jackets and cardis and scarves, but i don't know how successful i've been; noone's actually asked me if i was pregnant, but i know that before i was even 8 weeks pregnant at least three people in work had guessed; and i'd been off work sick since before i found out i was pregnant until only about three days before that.

(so, yeah. that was a bit weird. two of the people i work with closely but one i don't see all that much of. i guess they all knew we were trying again, but still, it was a little creepy.)

i've been telling myself it's just my imagination that i've got a noticeable (if still small) bump, or just the fact that hell, i've put on a hell of weight in the last year (eating while depressed will either do that or make you unable to eat; i was unable to eat for a few weeks then started eating again, a LOT). but just before i lay down on my front, which i haven't done for a very long time now. and... it felt different. it felt... i guess it felt like there was something small and hard in the bottom of my abdomen. it was quite uncomfortable.

and. i've been starting to get less and less comfortable in my jeans; they fasten but they feel tight and they're getting pushed down and feel less secure. rather like they're going to fall down, in fact, which isn't a good feeling.

so today i bought a pair of maternity jeans. and a maternity top. (i bought a maternity top the day before my scan too. i was telling myself i'd take it back when i got bad news the next day.) i tried them on. i look pregnant in them. (far more pregnant than i actually am, too.)

last time i did not buy any maternity clothes. last time i didn't even look at any maternity clothes. last time, in fact, pregnancy did not really impact on my thinking or my self-image or even my plans for the medium-term future. i didn't really think about it. i knew we'd have to plan sooner or later, but before we got there it was suddenly all over.

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i didn't expect the scan to be reassuring, even if everything turned out well. i expected that i would be reassured at most for the next couple of hours. instead, i find that i feel far more secure. this scan was a very different experience. we didn't have to go back into that room. we were at a different hospital with a better set-up. the sonographer was incredibly reassuring. neither of us saw anything to worry about.

in fact, i just went back to look at the pics from last year. i remember them as much, much clearer than they actually were; while we were there we could see the baby clearly, but on the pictures there's almost nothing to see.

it's amazing. this time we saw a clear baby.

i don't pretend to believe that this confidence will last forever, but even if it lasts just a few days, i'll be happy. i was terrified that, knowing that these equivalent days were the last few of my last baby's life, i would be a nervous wreck. i'm so relieved that i'm not.

thank you to you all for having hope for me when i couldn't hold it for myself.

and thank you merry for making me laugh, if you are reading this :)

11 comments:

lis said...

your baby is beautiful

i think its a girl


xoxo
lis

sarah said...

oh that sweet little bub, b, I am so happy for you, and so happy to read these hopeful words.

much love to you.

Hope's Mama said...

Hello, little one.
xo

Angela said...

Lovely to see that sweet baby and to read your hopeful words.

trousers said...

What's been said above. Hold on to that happiness when you feel it. You deserve it.

R. said...

I am so happy that you are in a better more secure space. I bet you look so cute with a bump.

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

Oh - my face lit up with a smile at the sight of your sweet little baby. Glad to hear things are going well today. I know for myself this pregnancy after loss experience is such a rollercoaster. I know I have my anxious moments because on the flip side of my anxiety and fear is the hope and joy that I will be holding my baby this spring...and that would be/will be amazing.

B said...

thank you all so much. it's much appreciated that you are all so happy for me.

lis, i think so too :)

Catherine W said...

What a beautiful ultrasound! That is an amazing picture for a whole multitude of reasons but also such a wonderfully clear image.

I'd have to agree with you and lis, I think your little one is a girl.

Tears in November said...

Oh B, I am so happy for you, Just so so very happy!

Paula

Sarah*G* said...

Your little one looks like s/he is saluting you. As if to say "Hello mummy & daddy. Here I am!"
Many congratulations to you again.
x