when i first discovered the world of the babylost and the many, many blogs out here, i was astounded. i had no idea that women were going through this. no idea what was really happening. it was such a comfort to me that other women were going through the depths of grief. that other women had done it and had managed to struggle out the other side, even though their wounds and scars were still very evident.
but the one thing i mostly couldn't do was read the blogs of women who were pregnant again. and women who had other children were a toss-up. some i could read; some i really, really couldn't. most - although definitely not all - of the blogs that i felt drawn to were those who had lost their first child (or, indeed, all of their children).
in time, i became more able to read the blogs of those with other children. some of them have become real friends. many of them have supported me even when i haven't been able to support them.
most of them have also given me hope.
the one type of blog i couldn't deal at all with was the kind of blog where someone was pregnant post-loss and nervous, but didn't really seem to talk about their grief any more.
which makes it really bloody annoying that that's exactly the kind of blog that this has now turned into.
i don't want to be healed. i don't want this pregnancy to wash away my grief and my love for my first child. i don't want it to make me all better. i don't want to forget.
i don't cry for that baby any more. i hate that. doesn't it deserve my tears?
i'm honestly amazed that so many people still read - especially those who are newly babylost or have been ttc for a while. but i appreciate you all and your support and your comments so, so much.