Thursday, 23 December 2010

when i first discovered the world of the babylost and the many, many blogs out here, i was astounded. i had no idea that women were going through this. no idea what was really happening. it was such a comfort to me that other women were going through the depths of grief. that other women had done it and had managed to struggle out the other side, even though their wounds and scars were still very evident.

but the one thing i mostly couldn't do was read the blogs of women who were pregnant again. and women who had other children were a toss-up. some i could read; some i really, really couldn't. most - although definitely not all - of the blogs that i felt drawn to were those who had lost their first child (or, indeed, all of their children).

in time, i became more able to read the blogs of those with other children. some of them have become real friends. many of them have supported me even when i haven't been able to support them.

most of them have also given me hope.

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the one type of blog i couldn't deal at all with was the kind of blog where someone was pregnant post-loss and nervous, but didn't really seem to talk about their grief any more.

which makes it really bloody annoying that that's exactly the kind of blog that this has now turned into.

i don't want to be healed. i don't want this pregnancy to wash away my grief and my love for my first child. i don't want it to make me all better. i don't want to forget.

i don't cry for that baby any more. i hate that. doesn't it deserve my tears?

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i'm honestly amazed that so many people still read - especially those who are newly babylost or have been ttc for a while. but i appreciate you all and your support and your comments so, so much.

9 comments:

Illanare said...

(o) I wish I had words. xx

trousers said...

The grief, the hope, the nervousness - they're all part of the same person. You deserve respite from at least one of those in favour of the others.

Do you realise, by the way, just how much of an amazing person you've revealed yourself to be on this blog?

Hope's Mama said...

I'm in no hurry to stop reading. And like you, at the start I couldn't read blogs with other kids and I seemed to gravitate towards the ones where it was a first child lost. I'm a bit more flexible now and having my own living child here certainly does help.
Sending you love this Christmas.
xo

brooke said...

I don't feel ready to read blogs by those who have other children but the pregnancy ones - like yours - give me hope. Hope that we can have another baby without ever forgetting our first perfect girl.

B said...

illanare it means the world that you read at all. much love to you honey.

thank you trousers. and, no, not really. but thank you so much.

sally, thank you.

brooke i'm glad you feel able to read - but if you ever need to stop i will understand 100%. i'm so, so sorry for your loss. eliza should be there with you. it's so unfair that she's not.

Miss Ruby said...

I think there are some blogs that we as readers feel connected to regardless of what they're writing about and others while we read, we're not as connected to and so find it easier to stop reading them once their circumstances or content change.

The nature of blogs means you will always lose AND gain readers as you write.

I always read you but whether I comment or not depends on whether my heart can handle putting into words what it's feeling. I read this yesterday but yesterday I was in no place to comment, today still not so much [especially after browsing arsebook this morning - who knew it would be such a minefield on Christmas day!?!] but wanted to comment.

~x~

B said...

which is all entirely understandable miss r. and you're under no obligation to comment, but it's always nice when you feel able to. i do cherish your support.

as far as i go, there are some blogs i remember visiting very early on that i ran away and hid from for a long time. but as time passed and my grief and shock changed, i started venturing back to places i still remembered. some of those people are now real friends of mine. it's funny, i remember reading illanare long before i ever commented there and then not going back for a long time, but with you i commented immediately. and yet i consider you both very close to me.

sending love x

carol said...

I just wanted to say, don't worry about your feelings for your first baby - let yourself concentrate on the new one for now. The feelings my subside for a while but you will never forget. I lost a child exactly 10 years ago and found it extremely hard to read your blog (which I have only just discovered via Newcastle Daily Photo), as I am still sensitive to anything relating to babies. However, I also have a 7 year old and a 1 year old, so can positively say there is enough love to cover all of your children, here or not. They are the joys of my life (and sometimes the bane of my life) but their sister/brother will also always be part of the family. Sorry if I'm rambling, but just wanted to say - that baby will always be part of your family so don't worry about how you're feeling about it right now.

B said...

thank you carol - i find your comment really reassuring. i'm so sorry you know the pain of babyloss too. thanks for commenting especially when you found the subject matter hard to read. xx