Monday, 31 January 2011

doing a bit better this evening. still finding it hard to believe there is hope. but not entirely impossible.

it's just... my bump isn't growing. i'm not sure whether it's staying the same or shrinking. and yes, i over-analyse. constantly. i've been crazily hungry all the way through - and suddenly, i'm not. i'm normal-hungry. still not feeling anything that i'm certain is movement. it's now over 6 weeks, maybe even 7, that i've been feeling maybe-movement, and i'm no more or less certain than i was back in december. the last week or so, i've not been feeling round ligament pain either. then today pains that are more similar to period pains than anything.

any one of these things i could rationalise away, but the combination of all of them scares me, so badly.

anyway, thank you so much for all the support. it's amazing how many people read and who take the time to let me know they're thinking of me.

i kinda hoped that my own midwife would get back to me today but they must've wiped the message i left for her. maybe i'll try and speak to her tomorrow.

but i don't want to go to the hospital before thursday. i guess... i've waited this long, i want to hold out til the bitter end. thursday, for better or for worse, i will know what's going on in there.

it's just so hard.

i want my baby to be ok.

i just want to be able to believe.

8 comments:

Hope's Mama said...

So hard. I want to say "just go in for a quick scan" but I've read enough here over the past few weeks to know that is not always the answer. Oh, I wish there was something I could say or do that would actually help.
Hang in there, B.
xo

Kelly said...

Get your midwife tomorrow and talk to her to give you that reassurance. And, if you need a scan to "know", that's ok too.

I know I'm not as far as you are, but symptoms come and go and that's ok. My "bump" is weird. In the morning, not so much of one. When I eat, I balloon. It could all be based on tons of things.

You're in my thoughts.

Hanen said...

Sending lots of good thoughts your way, B. Pregnancy is such a huge uncertainty-fest - as you say, you can banish uncertainty momentarily, but then the next uncertain moment awaits you. It may be good to talk to your midwife if you can, and know that you can go in early for a scan if necessary. Take care, you are doing so well xxh

biojen said...

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. I hope you are worrying for nothing and you just have a stubborn baby. I'm thinking of you constantly - take care of yourself and take one day at time, one hour if necessary.

B said...

i've got on my notes that if i want a scan at short notice, i get one. it's just that whatever happens we have to go up to the hospital on thursday for the anomaly scan and i don't want to drag D to the hospital twice in three days. he would do it, if i asked him to, but he wouldn't be very happy. and he thinks i'm worrying over nothing.

i'm going to talk to my midwife today. thanks for encouraging me to do so. and thank you all for being there and for understanding.
xxx

Brooke said...

Oh, I hate to hear this anxiety because it's so palpable for me. I know how terrifying it is and I am sorry that you are so scared. I don't believe that God intervenes in our lives, choosing which babies live and which babies die. But I don't know what else to do, so I'm sending up prayers.

And as I've said before, I completely understand why you don't want to rush off for a quick scan every time you get anxious. But if you have a list of specific things you're worried about, it's not a failure to go to the hospital to ease your mind.

Wish I could give you a hug and try to distract you with bad television.

Jorgelina said...

I wouldn't be surprised if you being hungry and then losing your appetite was related to the high level of stress you're under, B! Thinking of you, as always! *hugs*

Catherine W said...

I don't know if this makes any sense to you at all B but my midwife said that I was probably so uncertain as to whether I could feel the baby's movements because I wouldn't LET myself feel movements? I think it's really hard to be certain over early maybe-movements anyhow.

I hope you managed to speak to your midwife today. xo